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Final Fantasy: A Pick Your Path Adventure

Evan Hoovler | 2 Sep 2011 12:00
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With the old man recovering, you take your chance.

You begin the 15-minute series of hand gestures required to cast "Ultima".

"MegaFlare!" casts Moon Man, and begins a similar set of hand gestures.

You and the old man stand there, gesturing, for a tense fourteen minutes. During this time, the rest of your party goes to the crystal castle's restroom and gets snacks.

Finally, you finish the final gesture and cast "Ultima".

The entire world turns white. A translucent black dome appears over the old man. Inside the dome, the old man gets thrown about like a blanket in a washing machine. Lightning, earthquakes, fire, meteors: all of these things happen inside the old man's private biodome.

"Noooooo!" he screams. "I mind controlled Mecha-Corp for nothing!"

"What?" you ask.

When the light fades, you see the old man's monstrous guts lying in a goopy pile.

Stepping out of the castle, you gaze up at the sky and the now-safe Earth. Kneeling, you extend your sword towards the Earth, striking a pose you think would look good for a fadeout. Darkness falls.

When the light comes back, you are in Goldendew's castle courtyard. An enormous wedding has been set up. You are standing at the front, next to Phoenix.

"Do you, Phoenix Downs, take Square Buttons to be your spouse?" the king asks.

"I do!" squeals Phoenix.

"And do you, Square Buttons, take Phoenix Downs to be your wife?"

"What? No!" you blurt out.

The king pauses for a minute to give you a quizzical look. An expression of joy spreads across his face, "Good enough!" he shouts. "I now pronounce you man and princess! You may kiss the bride."

You turn your face aside so that Phoenix plants a wet one on your cheek.

"Stop!" you exclaim. "Stop the wedding!" But the light is already fading. A list of names scrolls by on the castle walls, "No! Don't roll the credits! This isn't done, I don't want to marry Phoenix! Reset! Load! Sephiroth!"

The light fades completely. The names finish scrolling.

YOU WIN!

Hoovler also writes for Gamespy, Blastr, Playboy's The Smoking Jacket, and Ranker. He is lead puzzle designer for the Telltale game, Puzzle Agent 2, and wants to be your Facebook Google Plus friend.

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