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The Professor Oak Personality Index

Andy Hughes | 3 Jan 2012 15:00
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Analytical, introverted, logical, paraphobic: Bug types look funny and are generally self-absorbed wastes of space. Half the time they have a bullshit "cocoon" stage in which you can do virtually nothing with them until they come out, and even when that finally happens they aren't very effective. At anything.


A Psychic type person tends to be very weird but at least good at keeping ghosts away. Their behavior can be perceived as odd and off-putting and their physical stature as unhealthy, but that's because they're just incredibly powerful mind-beings and you should get the hell out of their way. Vengeful, unpleasant, brittle and difficult to kill. Fond of facial hair.

One of the most extreme of all personalities, Rock types tend to follow some sort of dogma or creed that anchors them. They have high defenses and possess unwavering faith in their own well-developed value system, whether it is a code of honor or something more metaphysical. They may be formidably intelligent but are not open with their feelings and, while they may make friends, do not seek them out. They often describe themselves as being "not awkward, just comfortable with silence." For perhaps obvious reasons, they seem to clash with Grass types, so if you're carpooling somewhere don't put the two of them in the back seat unless you're ok with just blasting the radio the whole time.

Ghost types are dead.

Dragon types are unpredictable and crazy, influential and powerful but irrational. Often drunk. They make a lot of noise and tend to be real drama queens. Woe be to you if you room with one of them because they usually have really loud sex (although some people secretly enjoy that sort of thing, especially Fighting, Bug and Ground types, although they'd never admit it). Dragons tend to be real whiners and require a lot of encouragement/browbeating before they'll get anything done. Worth the effort? You decide. Usually not.

The average Dark type huffs paint, listens to ICP and likes to joke about doing violent things to local police officers way too often. They'll probably end up living with their parents for the rest of their lives but that doesn't mean they won't be extremely unsettling in the meantime. Of course it's just a mask for their deep, crippling insecurities. They don't have many weaknesses, because most people would rather not bother.

Steel types are analytical, thoughtful, have Beautiful Minds and are unassailably nerdy. They are the type of people who willingly read personality indexes for fun.

No one you know is a Legendary type, and neither are you.

The average personality is made up of a combination of two of these types, perhaps more if you use a moon stone. Consult this system constantly and rely on it as much as possible, and maybe your strange, chaotic life might finally seem relatively bearable. Our iPhone app should be available soon.

Andy Hughes is an independent blogger and a regular freelance contributor to www.ToplessRobot.com. He can be reached at wandrewhughes@gmail.com.

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