What's worse, typically by the time I can feel the change in pressure, the approaching storm isn't exactly a secret. Even if you don't keep a weather website bookmarked, once I start to get a headache from a passing weather pattern, chances are the darkening sky and blustery wind have already tipped you off.
Like Aquaman, I'm just about the most useless superhero imaginable. Actually, I suppose he has me beat. The earth is two-thirds water. If you're on a cruise ship and drop your car keys in the ocean, Aquaman can fetch them for you. I'll be up on deck watching for storms.
So what, you might ask, does a superhero with a near-useless superpower intend to do to make the world a better place? Good question. Allow me to answer - I've been thinking about this a lot. I know just which nefarious offenders I'll be targeting on my Quest for Justice. I've got my area of expertise all picked out. I won't fight just any crime. Oh no. I'm after the worst of all offenders: the dog poo leavers.
You know who you are, irreverent evildoers. People walk on those lawns, you know. Children play on them. Lovers occasionally lie on them. I cannot allow indiscriminate disobedience of the local statutes regarding proper disposal of pet waste go unpunished.
But what price vigilante justice? For one thing, there's danger in setting oneself apart from the crowd. If you keep your head down and don't stand out, you'll be invisible. You'll probably get through this life without a scratch. Stand up and start accosting people in the park, though, and things might get ugly. I have to sleep, eat. I need a safe haven. This is why superheroes wear masks.
My mask will be a pair of horn-rimmed glasses and one of those corduroy blazers with the leather patches on the elbows, and I will call myself Righteous Indignation Man or The Masked Corrector. No, Captain Peevish. Yes. That's the one. If common decency alone doesn't compel evildoers to mend their ways, the hand of justice must. And if that hand is busy playing pocket pool, that's where I come in. Captain Peevish to the rescue. I do what I must. Because I can.
The real question, however, is how do I use my powers to fight crime? Aquaman spends most of his time hanging out in the Hall of Justice waiting for some hare-brained evildoer to take to the high seas. Pro-tip for evildoers: Don't try to escape by boat. On dry land, you might stand a chance against Superman or Batman or even the Flash, but if you go out on the water, you're boned. Aquaman and his mighty dolphin will take you out. Just don't try it.
