Superheroes

Captain Peevish

I suppose I could use my power to frighten and intimidate my enemies. Accost them for not picking up their dogs' poo, then warn them I can call down the power of the skies to lash them into obedience. This would only work if a storm were imminent, so, let's say less than 10 percent of the time. And I'm not sure it'd be considered using my powers for good. Alas, it seems my ability to fight crime may be severely limited.

The absolute biggest obstacle to my becoming a superhero, though - aside from my near worthlessness on the superpower scale - is my lack of dedication to the cause. The 2006 film Superman Returns shows the titular character moonlighting as mild-mannered Clark Kent by day and napping in the upper atmosphere by night, waiting for trouble to occur so he can swoop into action and save the day/night/whatever.

What you don't see is Supes hanging out on the patio drinking a mint julep, or playing the videogame version of his story. You don't see him reading books or watching TV. And to date the ladies, he has to strip himself of his powers, lest he tear the poor girls to shreds. So we don't see that too often. Perhaps he does these things and we just don't hear about it. Perhaps it's like Star Trek, where the interminable waiting between starting the warp engine in one part of space and arriving in the next is omitted to preserve the pacing of the narrative.

Even so, to be a crime fighter, you have to be on 24/7. Crime never sleeps, so neither can you. I shake my head at the dog poo left on the lawn and wish - oh, how I wish - I could have been there to accost the malefactor who failed to pick it up. Captain Peevish to the rescue! But I'm not about to lose any sleep to make sure I'm there every time to put a stop to it. Sorry, I have a life.

Superman ultimately gave up his designs on Lois Lane, opting to be the world's savior rather than one woman's man. How do you juggle career and family when your job is to save mankind from itself? You can't. Porn and hand lotion for you, Supes. But hey, you're freakin' Superman. You'll deal.

Me? I'm sorry, I just can't. The world might be a better place were I to cast off my worldly pursuits and dedicate myself to a life of tracking down and punishing misdemeanor offenders, but I'd miss the little things, like watching TV on a Sunday evening or cuddling with my dog on the couch.

To take up the debate raised in the latest Superman film, is the question really whether or not the world needs Superman? Could it possibly be whether or not anyone wants the job? It's easier to be aggrieved by the lapses of others when doing something about it isn't in your job description. Put on that cape, though, and you're responsible. Who wants that?

Russ Pitts lives in the eternal twilight between wanting to change the world and wishing it would just leave him alone. Join his adventures at www.falsegravity.com.