Editor's Choice

My Big Fat Geek Wedding

So, out of desperation and the fear that I might be losing touch with my favorite pastime, I tracked down demos for a few new videogames. Wedding ones, of course.

Why not? I reasoned. Maybe they'll help me get into the spirit of things. (As if this were Christmas, and I were Ebenezer Scrooge.)

What a mistake.

Take Dream Day Wedding, a flouncy, cartoonish seek-and-find game. As the player, you're stuck planning the big day for your friend Jenny, who is, presumably, like any sane person, too busy screwing her husband-to-be to worry about the finer details of silk organza.

The gameplay is essentially Where's Waldo, except instead of striped-shirt hobos, you're on the hunt for bouquets and stationery - as well as other, more bizarre items. (Why anyone would want - much less expect - to find a pitchfork or a steering wheel at a florist's shop is probably a mystery best left unexplained.)

Frankly, Dream Day Wedding puzzles me. I already spend my free time combing over-stuffed boutiques and bakeries. Just last weekend, I spent three hours in a stationery store cornered by a bird-like Ukrainian who insisted "Newport Blue" and "Light Blue" were, in fact, completely different colors while I crossed my eyes at the samples in her hand as if they were Magic Eye paintings. Why would I want to do that again in a game?

On the other hand, Wedding Dash outright frightens me. This title has you scurry around the reception site a la Diner Dash, dodging drunk guests and stuffing bitchy bridesmaids full of cake - all while avoiding toppling pastry, catfights, and roving packs of bees.

It's my worst fears realized in digital form: that my wedding will disintegrate into a frat party for gluttonous alcoholics, who'll get wasted on my dime, stung by pissed off wasps and then try to sue me for the hospital bill.

The truth is, after a long day of wedding planning, the last thing I want to do is curl up in front of the PC and play hunt-the-pixel. I want to blow stuff up.

Give me a Half-Life mod set in an abandoned party hall where my only weapon is a three-inch stiletto heel. Or a Resident Evil clone where I can carve a fiery swath through zombie photographers and florists with my flame-throwing bouquet. At least let me Omnislash my parents.

The basic flaw in these wedding-themed games is the assumption that their subject matter should inherently appeal to a bride knee-deep in the planning process. And I'm sure some women buy it, especially those who watch shows like Say Yes to The Dress and Food Network's Wedding Cake Challenge.

But just because I'm a bride doesn't necessarily mean you can slap cakes and flowers on Root Beer Tapper and get my $19.95. Why would I escape from wedding planning by playing a game that subjects me to even more planning? How about something a little more escapist - maybe some Nazis or vampires, digital therapy for my organza-sick soul? We girls have aggression to let out too, you know.

Dream Day Wedding? Please. Give me a chainsaw and some Ukrainian "stationery consultants." I'll show them the difference between "Newport Blue" and "Light Blue."