I suggest we go to a nearby restaurant called Mario's because - yes! - I am that committed to the conceit. Fluff is sympathetic and supportive when I babble on about the article for which I'm researching, but clearly thinks it's a pretty stupid idea. I decide not to offer to carry him home on my back.
Good role model? Yes. Acting like Yoshi actually helps you feel good about yourself and could possibly even get you lunch.
2. Raphael
Notable traits: Narcissistic. Arrogant. Self-dramatizing. Awesome.
Not the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle - no licensed characters, remember - but the rakish fencer from the Soul Calibur series who started out as one of the "baddies" but appears to have softened in recent outings. This is the one I've really been looking forward to, as I've basically considered the diabolical Raphael to be my ideal role model since he first dandyishly kicked ass in Soul Calibur 2. Dude dresses like Guybrush Threepwood in Monkey Island 2 and gets to say things like "Impudent dog! Have you no manners?" while lunging forward like Errol freakin' Flynn.
Flouncing around performing clumsy versions of the Cantarella Needle while looking down my nose at everyone turns out to be loads of fun, but I can't quite master Raphael's effortless sense of entitlement. It's also a little awkward to try and make smalltalk with friends when everything that comes out of your mouth is combative, boorish or laceratingly sarcastic. "How boring!" "Pathetic!" "I'm in a very foul mood." "What a joke!"
After one particularly ambitious Assalto Montante Crescendo results in an uncalculated vase breakage, I get in touch with my local fencing club. A very helpful lady listens as I explain my backstory, which takes a remarkably long time thanks to Soul Calibur's labyrinthine continuity. After she has been suitably welcomed to the new stage of history, I ask her if it would be deemed acceptable in competitive fencing to mercilessly taunt your opponent before, during and after the bout. "Um, no," she says politely. Bad Raphael!
Good role model? Nope. (Won't stop me playing as him, though.)
3. Lara Croft
Notable traits: Acrobatic. Well-educated. Stacked.
Gaming's preeminent, polygonal pin-up has an enviable profile in the public consciousness, due in no small part to Angelina Jolie's brace of noisy yet pedestrian action movies. But what is the essence of Lara? I ponder that thought while trying to clamber acrobatically around my apartment without touching the floor, which is fun but not really that Tomb Raider-y. How else can I get into character? By shooting a tiger?
In the end, I call my friend Kirsten, co-founder of U.K. games site Ready Up, who once told me Tomb Raider 2 was her favorite game of all time. Does she think Lara is a good female role model? "Lara's a great role model, period, for any person," says Kirsten. "She's intelligent, highly knowledgeable, independently wealthy, strong-willed, brave and has seen every corner of the world."
