Fiction 4

Dan's Explosive Interview

Displayed on the monitor was a forum thread - an epically long forum thread, spanning 44 pages on Explosive's very own Satan forums. The thread was entitled "Why you really don't need a frickin' mage for nightmare!" Time after time, argument after argument, aided by arcane formulas and illustrated with flowcharts (and the occasional captioned image of cat in an unlikely pose), a brave forum-warrior by the name of Lanco44Justice served counter-points to every Satan fan's insistent point that you do, in fact, need a mage to kill hardcore nightmare Satan.

"Let me see this," Leonard said, his eyes scanning the numerous pages. "Uh-huh, hum ..."

Though most of Lanco44Justice's arguments had no recourse, there was, near the very end of the thread, one diligent poster named CaptainSoufllé who argued with such vehemence and ardent disdain that the thread had descended into sarcastic flame-war - all the way to Lanco44Justice's final post, which exclaimed, in extra-large, blue and bold letters, "LOL dood if you still think you need a mage you are denser than an freaking iron golem's turd."

It dawned on Dan, watching Leonard grimace as he read that last line about the golem turd, who was really sitting across from him. It could be no other: Leonard was CaptainSoufllé!

"You," Leonard said, his voice a bit tired, a sour expression on his face, "are Lanco44Justice?"

All Dan could do was nod.

"If you really are Lanco44," Leonard continued, his voice weary, "then prove it to me."

"What?" Dan was taken aback.

"You know," Leonard said, sounding defeated, "what you said on page 39 ..."

"No - no," Dan felt his heart skip a beat again. "You can't be serious."

"I have to know." Leonard certainly sounded quite serious.

"Seriously?" Dan asked again.

"Seriously."

"OK, then - you asked for it." Dan turned around and started to unbuckle his belt.

"Cindy, look away!" Leonard blurted.

Dan let his belt fall to the floor.

"Just look away, Cindy!" Leonard again screeched out behind Dan's back.

With one quick motion, Dan pulled down the top of his pants and wide white underwear, uncovering his left butt cheek. But it was no ordinary cheek! On half of Dan's ass, rendered brilliant and garishly in cheap (yet woefully permanent) ink, was a droopy and somewhat gross tableau of two elves with bows, a priest in a robe and a dwarf with two daggers, standing over the bloodied and decapitated head of what could only be, certainly and without question, nightmare hardcore Satan.

As Dan stood, exposed, he knew finally - without having to see the expression on his face - that he had got the better of CaptainSoufllé. After all, the proof was on his ass.

"Hire him," Dan distinctly heard Leonard say behind him.

A massive wave of elation hit Dan, stunning him. He got it! Game Designer at Explosive! After all this!

"I'll hire him only after he pulls up his pants," Cindy said.

Kevin Spiess is a freelance contributor to The Escapist.