Movies and TV
5 Ways J.J. Abrams Could Ruin Star Wars

Phil Owen | 14 Aug 2014 12:00
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We don't know if Abrams will do to Star Wars what he did to Star Trek, but there are a lot of ways he could misstep with this fan-favorite. These are some of them.

Since J.J. Abrams took command of the first of Disney's likely endless parade of upcoming Star Wars movies, one thing has been clear: this is his dadgum movie, dadgummit. J.J. started off the project by reading Michael Arndt's script... and then he tossed it into the metal wastebasket next to his desk, lit up a cigar and tossed the burning match into the can while cackling maniacally. (Probably.)

Because this is a J.J. movie, we're probably not going to know anything about the plot or story before the metaphoric film (RIP) begins to metaphorically roll into theaters around the world... And in the meantime, there have been rumors about what the galaxy will look like some 30 years after Return of the Jedi and who our new heroes will be and what they'll be doing. And I think those rumors sound pretty good, which makes me instantly distrust them. I mean did you guys even see Star Trek Into Darkness?

So while it's entirely possible that J.J. Abrams could end up producing the best Star Wars yet, I'm going to err on the side of common sense negativity and assume the other thing. And I've come up with some entirely possible -- though perhaps extremely unlikely -- ways J.J. might grant us another sad and depressing night watching a new Star Wars movie that we'll try really hard to convince ourselves is good. Just like when we were kids!

So without further ado, here's how J.J. might be planning on ruining the next Star Wars.

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1. Ripping Off Knights of the Old Republic
The internet consensus says that BioWare's Knights of the Old Republic game is the best Star Wars game and one of the best products of the Expanded Universe, period. It follows then that J.J., notorious exploiter of things you really liked a while back (I mean, he's even making a Star Wars movie), would want to jump on that gravy train. Plus, fans of the newly-painted-over Expanded Universe will love it. (Just like they loved his Wrath of Khan remake!)

How would such a thing even work? KotOR is set nearly 4,000 years before the movies, including the one we're talking about now, and so J.J. would have to take some liberties by bringing back a famous and beloved movie character who we thought was dead. I'll come back to that in a minute.

In case you're a bad fan who's forgotten what happened in KotOR, I'll give you a quick recap. (Please don't get mad at me for spoiling a ten-year-old game, because I'm about to do that.). So in KotOR, ~4,000 years before the movies, the Star War at the time is being fought between the Galactic Republic and a Sith Empire that was founded by a pair of famous Jedi named Revan and Malak who turned to the dark side of the Force after the previous Star War between the Republic and the Mandalorians (aka the ancient Boba Fetts). In the middle of the present war, Revan gets ambushed by some Jedi while Malak is trying to blow up his ship because he's a jerk.

It's there that the game begins, featuring you as an anonymous soldier -- and when you learn you can use the Force, you become a Jedi and save the galaxy from Malak's irrational jerkface empire, which is powered by a huge space factory that can produce endless amounts of war materiel. But there's a twist: you were Revan the whole time! And nobody knew it because Revan always wore a menacing helmet, and your character does not. I think you can see where this is going.

In Star Wars Episode VII, the protagonist will be Darth Vader, presumed dead but actually alive and robbed of all his memories. Nobody knows it's Vader because Vader always wore that suit and helmet of his, and also because he's being played by John Boyega! The audience could never guess that our awesome young black hero is actually an old dead white guy.

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