Guy Cry Cinema
Why Sci-Fi Thriller Sunshine Makes Guys Cry

Firefilm | 29 Jul 2014 15:00
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chris evans in sunshine

So Titanic 2 docks with Titanic 1 and we find out the hidden message of this film: Religion is the enemy. Hey, I didn't write the movie. NASA crewed the first ship with Glenn Beck, and Captain "I found God in my sunburn and he says we should die" wrecked the first mission. Somehow Glenn's still alive and Freddy Kruger-ed up with religious sunburns. A sabotaged airlock means Ensign Expendable, discount Troi, Captain America and Red Eye have to jump through space, but there's only one suit.

In a plot twist no one saw coming, crazy PhD offers to stay behind to operate the door, dooming himself to death number two by an unfiltered sunlight BBQ. Pretty sure he climaxed during it, that dude was nuts. So with Cillian "Cheekbones" Murphy in the only suit, Captain America makes the jump with minor frostbite and Ensign Expendable misses the door, freezes and then explodes in a fire ball. Don't worry: no one liked him.

Then the movie takes the wrong turn from quality and becomes "Jason Voorhees in space," though still better than when actual Jason Voorhees went to space. One guy kills himself because he made a math error (Tiger moms, am I right?), one lady gets stabbed because she loved plants, and one girl just kinda sits there. I'm not even sure if she was hurt. But my personal winner for "Things just got downright emotional on this ship," is Chris Evans. That dude can act, and he did. Recall Captain Torch has a touch of frostbite from jumping in space without a suit. So when he comes into the botched computer room and realizes he's going to have to swim in the coolant to fix it, he's all like "Damn, do I get frozen in every movie I'm in?" Each submersion into the coolant (there were three total) leaves him more frozen, and it was all conveyed through superb acting, none of this plastic ice that Schwarzenegger used as Mr. Freeze. His death was slow, longest of anyone in the movie, yet he kept going. Just when it seemed like he was going to make it, his leg was a jerk and got caught/crushed by one of the towers, preventing both his exit from the coolant and the computer from fully being restored.

A small, quivering, almost imperceptible "Oh God" slips from his lips as he realizes that he's dying. It was such a soft, horrifying moment that it almost deserved a better movie to be in. Freezing to death while being closer to the Sun than any other human before him, and his foot being crushed just to screw with him, Torch America slipped away. Of course, he mentions God and then dies, because religion is the enemy. I DID NOT WRITE THE MOVIE!

(Kyle's Edit: Everyone! Dan forgot to recommend a movie in the next paragraph. A movie starring Chris Evans. A movie that Americans all have to watch on VOD because the Weinstein Company are a bunch of silly-nannies. Snowpiercer, you guys. Snowpiercer.)

There's more movie after that, but the stupid decision to never focus the camera when Glenn Beck came on screen poisoned it a little. They do set off the plot-fixing bomb and the Sun turns on again, but emotionally we never really leave that computer room. Chris Evans, frozen in Captain America, frozen in Snowpiercer, frozen in Sunshine. Dude loves him some frozen. OH! He should have been in Frozen!

Like what you see? Secure enough in your masculinity for more? Dan also works on No Right Answer, the weekly debate show that knows what's really important: Pointlessly arguing about geek culture.

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