MovieBob - Intermission
I Wrote That Crap (For America!)

Bob "MovieBob" Chipman | 13 Sep 2013 16:00
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The "plot" is where this fits in with the "theme" this week: Having finally landed a date with a great gal who might actually like him, Icebreaker takes a big payday that involves going outside his typical accepted parameters of how aggressively jerky he'll pretend to be... and then goes even further overboard (we're talking pre-Tucker Max Tucker Max here) when the "hero" fails to appear and he has to improvise and stall for time. The guy doesn't show up, so instead Icebreaker takes a real violent beating from multiple real angry club patrons; ultimately winding up unconscious in a back alley...

...and wakes up wanted for murder! Someone killed the woman he was hired to hit on, he's the prime suspect, and she was the wife of a cop who's now hunting him down. As Icebreaker sneaks/fights his way around the city trying to solve the mystery and clear his name, he uncovers the truth: The cop now on his tail was, up until yesterday, the ultra-zealous leader of an anti-terrorism task force; and killing his wife (and framing Icebreaker for it) was all terrorist ploy to get his eyes off the ball so that they can smuggle a bomb into the United States! And since only Icebreaker knows this, and no one will believe him, it's up to him to save the country... and also deal with the fallout of his would-be girlfriend finding out he's "that jerk they call Icebreaker!"

...yeah.

AMERICAN WARLOCK

Original writing date: 2003
For those who don't know, I live adjacent to Salem, Massachusetts and spend a lot of time there. It's a city best (only?) known for the historical tragedy known as the Salem Witch Trials, and in modern decades has parlayed that infamy into a lucrative tourism industry that has expanded from witch-related to a kind of year-round Halloween Party. Did you see Paranorman? Okay, exactly that. Not even a parody.

Even more recently (or, rather, recently when this was being written) it's developed a sizable community of real-life Witchcraft, Wiccan and Neo-Pagan practitioners; which at the time held a certain fascination for me. This was an attempt to marry that "scene" - which was getting some nominal media attention as part of a broader early-00's "mainstreaming" of Goth Culture with a military-themed heroic action movie... because, as we've established, something is profoundly wrong with me.

In the story, a Hot Goth Chick (there was one or more of these featured prominently in every damn thing I was writing at the time) get accosted by some unsavory bros on her way out of an Occult Supply Shoppe, only to be rescued by the timely appearance of a handsome hunk of a soldier (in uniform, no less!) who happens by and drives them off. He ends up hanging out with her and her motley crew of pals ("cute" crosses a lot of boundaries, apparently), who turn out not to just be Goths but a no-kidding coven of amateur Witchcraft aficionados.

Amid the ensuing courtship/walking-tour-of-neo-paganism-as-imagined-for-purposes-of-this-stupid-movie business, it gets found out that soldier boy has a latent natural knack for The Craft himself, so he joins the party and soon enough they're making some full-on, straight-up Harry Potter-style sorcery happen - strengthening his relationship with the girl but also alienating him with a jerky, religiously-inclined associate in his army unit.

Eventually he and said unit ship out to Iraq, where he faces further skepticism and prejudice over his newfound spiritualism... until something goes wrong during a dangerous mission that strands his team at the mercy of a huge contingent of enemy troops - with our hero's mastery of Magick (amplified by a psychic connection to his lady-love back home) as their only hope of victory.

Bob Chipman is a film critic and independent filmmaker. If you've heard of him before, you have officially been spending way too much time on the internet. Recently, he wrote a book.

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