Peter wants to escape town, but Magic Horse tricks him into burglarizing one last "empty" mansion that ends up containing Beverly Penn, the angelic redhead daughter of a newspaper publisher who is dying from a strain of Ali MacGraw's Disease that requires her fever-heated body to be kept ice-cold at all times... which she's sort of okay with because fever-fits give her blurry lens-flare visions of "the connections between all things" and a self-assuredness that what we perceive as stars are actually the light from the Angel Wings of the departed. He falls instantly in love with her, which causes Soames to have a psychic vision of a red-haired girl and reveal himself (to the two or three people in the audience who haven't figured this out yet) as a literal Demon From Hell whose job on Earth is to derail miracles - which he now suddenly believes includes stopping Peter and Magic Horse from curing Beverly with True Love's Kiss.

I am not making a word of that up.

But Peter rescues her (Soame's big Wicked Scheme was just to show up and stab her before Peter does whatever he thinks he's going to do) thanks to his plot-convenient flying horse and spirits her to her family's upstate lakeside estate; where he endears himself to her father by using his safecracker "machine-whispering" powers to stop a boiler explosion. He also befriends her younger sister, who has covertly turned the estate's greenhouse into a facsimile of Snow White's glass coffin - believing that it can be used by a Prince to revive her doomed sibling. They are safe from Soames, incidentally, because The Rules of, uh... being a demon, I guess, prevent him from leaving Manhattan. He's even denied permission to go off script by Satan himself - who first appears as a booming, disembodied voice but is later revealed to be Will Smith.

No, for real: Will Smith shows up in an unbilled cameo as The Devil.

Anyway. Since he can't do it himself, Soames bribes an Earthbound former Angel who he once helped turn human(???) to sneak upstate and dose Beverly with poison that will supercharge her sickness if she has sex... which she does, with Peter, and not even a mad dash to Little Sister's Snow White Greenhouse can save her. While the audience tries to absorb that they are watching a big-budget Romantic Fantasy where Demon Russell Crowe tricks the hero into literally screwing his girlfriend to death, Soames confronts Peter, beats him to death using only head-butts and throws him off The Brooklyn Bridge...

...after which, Peter emerges from the water with Movie Amnesia and washes up onshore - otherwise unharmed - in the year 2014.

Yup.

Well, actually, the film is kind of murky on this point - it's possible that he washed up in his own time and then wandered NYC for 100 years as an immortal hobo compulsively making chalk-drawings until he runs into Jennifer Connelly as the mom of a cancer-stricken girl who just happens to be working as Food Critic Lois Lane (really!) for the very same newspaper not only founded by Beverly's father but still owned and managed by the still-living, now-elderly Little Sister. Who somehow does not die of an immediate heart-attack upon meeting him even though she'd have to be hovering around 105 years-old by now. Also still kicking around all immortal-ish is Soames, except now his villain lair looks like a stock-market (zing!) and this time The Fresh Prince of Darkness gives him the go-ahead to take Peter out because... reasons!

RELATED CONTENT
Comments on