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Here at the homestead, I've been dealing with computer issues for the better part of the last month. I hate computer issues because unless you're a professional tech yourself and/or have ready access to an entire workshop of proper tools, there's really no way to fix most of what can go really wrong without placing yourself entirely in the hands of a repair service. The resulting feeling is a strange kind of blind, impotent rage - a combination of being at war with one's own (extension of the) body, being locked out of one's own house and the shame of self-insufficiency. Fortunately, I've had movies like Book of Eli and Legion to take my anger out on...

...along with, of course, Sony Pictures and their impending Spider-Man reboot. I don't remember a not-yet-shooting movie project that's ever managed to unite geek pundits so completely. Across the spectrum of nerdity, everyone agrees that this is a terrible, terrible turn of events.

Being in the majority opinion on anything is a rare experience for me, but there it is. Although, if 29 years as a geek has taught me anything, it's that it won't be the majority opinion for very long.

Here's the thing, folks: Fanboys (or girls, to be fair) fundamentally don't matter when it comes to a movie's box office, and the studios are by now very much aware of that. There aren't enough of us to matter, and even if there were, no matter how bad the movie looks we'll just have to go see for ourselves, anyway. What limited power we have is limited to sticking a film with bad internet buzz, and the studio knows this, too. So they'll soon find ways to mitigate said buzz by - for lack of a better word - pandering to what they see as the fanboy culture. And it'll probably work, too. The buzz will go from "surefire disaster" to "maybe it'll be okay" just in time for release.

I've seen it happen. You've seen it happen. It's going to happen.

So, I figured it might be fun to plant tongue firmly in cheek and offer Sony Pictures, director Marc Webb et al some advice - from my own experience being and living among fanboy culture - as to what they might want to do to execute this sort of fan spin. I have a feeling many of you will recognize some of these tricks, having been employed elsewhere - perhaps you've even fallen for one or two in the past.

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