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"In the tradition of The Dark Knight!"

"We just mentioned The Dark Knight, meaning that you can now report this story as news in a pathetic reach to draw web traffic from fans obsessively searching for every scrap of info about the next Batman movie. You're welcome."

"The story has been updated to reflect the reality of the day-to-day modern world."

"The characters use mobile phones and talk about Facebook."

"Comic book-inspired visuals!"

"Shot primarily using green screens!"

"While we didn't originally shoot the film in 3D, we've decided that it is a perfect candidate for the unique opportunities offered by a 3D conversion."

"We started shooting before it was discovered that you could add a couple depth-of-field tricks to a movie and then charge twice as much for a ticket, and like hell we were gonna miss out on that racket!"

"A strong female character who is also complex and challenging."

"A female character who is capable of beating up male enemies twice her size like they were made of jell-o but also has the appearance, physique and temperament of an emotionally-traumatized teenager. Also, she is almost totally uninformed about sex, save that she is fiercely (yet demurely) attracted exclusively to non-threatening nice guys who happen to resemble the males in the film's target audience."

SHORT VERSION:

"Screenplay by Joss Whedon!"

"Some elements have been updated to address the sensibilities of a modern audience."

"Holy crap, the old book/comic/game/etc this was based on was crazy racist! Like ... not even in the cute drunk-grandpa-on-Thanksgiving harmless racist, more like ... did you ever see American History X? Yeah, like those guys."

"Aimed at an urban audience."

"Aimed at what a white studio executive thinks black people are like."

"An exciting international cast!"

"Remember that smokin' hot foreign chick with the sexy accent who won an Oscar for some subtitled movie you didn't see last year? She's totally in this. So is whoever the most popular aging distinguished British theater star right now. Also, we cast an Indian and/or Chinese guy who's, like, a huge star back home but will do Hollywood movies for next to nothing, so now this sucker is gonna make serious coin on the Asian market. The lead roles, of course, have still gone to the two blandest, whitest people we can find."

"[Insert Actor] says this role will show people what he can really do!"

"[Insert Actor] is a vapid teen heartthrob currently on the People/Us Weekly/Star cover circuit; we've cast him because we want a big opening weekend, hopefully he can hit his marks while the less handsome real actor in the supporting (usually bad guy) role does all the heavy lifting."

"[Insert Actress] sheds her squeaky-clean image!"

"[Insert Actress] - probably from the Disney/Nickelodeon stable - is 18 now, so it's okay for you to stare. Come see her play the hot chick in our otherwise forgettable movie!"

"From the people who brought you ..."

"No one with any particularly impressive credits is involved directly in the production, but a few of the several-dozen people credited as some sort of producer also had their names on something popular, so we can technically mention it in our advertisements!"

"A hot cast of fresh faces!"

"An inexpensive cast of people you've never heard of."

"Brave, sensual, ground-breaking romantic scene."

"Lesbian sex scene."

"Shocking, taboo sexuality!"

"Gay, male sex scene."

"Racially charged drama!"

"White people using the N-word."

"From visionary filmmaker Tim Burton."

"Hot Topic stockholders are about to have a good morning."

Bob Chipman is a film critic and independent filmmaker. If you've heard of him before, you have officially been spending way too much time on the internet.

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