To put this in a more specific sense: hipsters sitting behind me at the War Horse screening? The reason I didn't sit through the credits was that if I had to listen to you comedic geniuses yammering on and using "sentimental" as a context-free criticism (especially since the word you're actually looking for is "maudlin") and mocking an actor's sad voice, I was probably going to strangle you with your own "ironically"-twee scarf. Ooh, you think John Williams' music is manipulative? You must have traveled far and seen much hardship, to be so profoundly jaded and untouchable by mere sentiment at so young an age. Sorry, no. Pauline Kael got to be cynical about Hollywood sentiment because she'd studied the medium her entire damn life - you're cynical about it because you're quoting an Adult Swim skit. Zip it. The only people your age who're allowed to be jaded about anything are carrying rifles in Iraq - you're carrying a thrift store (style, you bought it at Hot Topic) satchel in a mall. Shut up.

6. Your Baby Does Not Belong In A Movie Theater

The only thing worse than a cell phone going off during a movie is a crying baby, because nobody feels bad about being annoyed with a cell phone. Most of us are hardwired to be at least somewhat deferential toward young children and the parents of young children, so the psychological push and pull between "Tell them to get out of here" and "Be nice, babies are a tough job" is deeply uncomfortable.

Once again, I'm sympathetic - in theory - to those with babies to take care of, but movie theater attendance is one of those places where my sympathy runs out. Forget for a moment how awful you're making it for everyone else in the theater and ask yourself: "Why would I bring a baby here?" A movie theater is a vast, pitch dark, unfamiliar place filled with sudden flashes of light, loud noises and hundreds of complete strangers carrying who-knows-what in terms of colds and germs - it is literally the last place you should be bringing an infant.

A common (and sensible sounding) retort to this is always "But I can't afford a babysitter," which to me always sounds like an alarming misalignment of priorities. If you honestly cannot pay for both a movie ticket and a babysitter, you probably can't afford a movie, period.

7. The Theater Is Not a Playground

Also known as Your Older Child Who Still Behaves Like A Baby Does Not Belong In A Movie Theater, Either.

Some people, for reasons that utterly elude me, think a workable solution to "My kid won't sit still" is to let them run around the aisles (or in and out of empty seats) while the adults continue to watch the movie. Setting aside the issue of how inconsiderate and stupid this is (since anyone who does this is beyond help in those arenas at this point), as someone who has cleaned up a movie theater for a living at one point I can assure you without reservation that the floors and open areas of the average multiplex are not places where you want your children to be playing.

8. The Ticket Includes The Whole Show

You may not care about the trailers preceding the movie or the ending credits, but other patrons - myself included - do, and the price of the ticket includes those parts of the show. So if you're going to leave (or enter) during them, try to do so in a manner that doesn't disturb or impede the completionists around you. I do not want to miss Nick Fury showing up to invite anyone else into The Avengers because the guy sitting next to me decided he needs to beat the traffic home.

Bob Chipman is a film critic and independent filmmaker. If you've heard of him before, you have officially been spending way too much time on the internet.

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