Bam Pow Awesome

Bam Pow Awesome
Bam! Pow! Awesome!: Robolepers

Andy Rose | 28 Jan 2010 14:00
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As everyone knows, comics are awesome. If you don't know this, you do now. Another thing you should know is that I'll be reviewing these comics, which means that they will be rated in one category and one category alone: awesome. Yes, story and all those other extras they keep putting into the comics I read are important or whatever, but not as important as how badass the people are, how big the explosions are, and how much stuff comes out of a guy when he's punched. I think I speak for all of us when I say, "Let's do this."

Now, you may be thinking, "Hey Mr. Reviewer, how are you going to sell me on the new Mass Effect: Redemption?" And I will be the first to admit that Aliens vs. Predator: Three World War is a tough act to follow. Here's the thing: I'm not going to sell you on ME:R, it's going to sell itself. With space stations!

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Just look at this. Not only is it a sweet looking space station, it's built out of half a meteor. Or asteroid. Or moon. Let's assume it's a moon, because that would be coolest. On top of already looking awesome, it glows red. It is a time-tested fact that only the coolest things glow red. Sith lightsabers glow red. Your hand glows red when you put a flashlight under it. And red glowsticks glow red.

"Okay, okay, your point has been adequately proven," you clamor, "but I'm still not sold on this comic!"
Well gather round, imaginary audience members. I recognize that you are still young and have much to learn. Check out this dude:

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Yes, he's cool. But not just that. There is an important point that you are overlooking - what would he look like if he were to blow his nose?

[Pause for astonished gasps.]

Yes, you see now. Or do you?

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Would it come out of the back of his head?

Right, so now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's get down to business. Mass Effect: Redemption is about Liara T'soni, a blue woman who uses biotics to bully people who are bigger than her. If you aren't aware, biotics are like space magic. It's pretty sweet. I know because I have it, too. It's pretty much the Force Plus. Liara is onboard a ship of very reasonable aliens, including Mr. Snothead (pictured above), who merely wish to negotiate docking fees in the form of making whoopee with Ms. T'soni. Well that doesn't go so well for the non-blue aliens, and we find out that Liara is looking for the corpse of one Commander Shepard. Unbeknownst to her, so are several others - mysterious others.

There are some really cool looking aliens that I'm not allowed to show you, but I'll give you some images that you can combine in your head to get the right idea:

One of the good guys looks like a T-101 + a leper + a trenchcoat. I didn't put the leper part in because when I searched for them on google it was really gross.

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Badass to the metal bone. At least I assume they're metal, the whole leper thing threw me off a little.

One of the bad guys looks like an Umber Hulk + a mushroom + a bunch of praying mantis arms.

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Also, he can talk, but I had a difficult time imagining what his voice would sound like. Maybe a bunch of cockroaches running along the tops of those half-empty champagne glasses people run their fingers around to make music.

Now imagine that bad guy I just described with pictures and Liara T'soni getting it on. That doesn't happen, but I made you imagine it.

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Fans of Mass Effect will enjoy the extra storyline and characters developed in Mass Effect: Redemption (though God knows there was enough story in Mass Effect for a lifetime), but even those uninitiated in the ways of videogamery can enjoy robo-lepers fighting laser robots.

Final Count:
1 head exploded
5 living things died

Andy Rose glows red.

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