Critical Intel

Critical Intel
A Saint In The White House: The Campaign Trail

Robert Rath | 21 Aug 2013 15:07
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It doesn't help that in the course of ordinary business we've managed to explode a few buildings with military-grade explosives. I'm not suggesting that makes us terrorists, per se. After all, we blew up the Syndicate's tower to send a message that they shouldn't mess with the Saints, not to cause political intimidation and terror, but the public may not easily separate... actually, wait. Sending a message through violent means is pretty much what "political intimidation and terror" is all about. So, yeah. I guess we're terrorists, then. But we're cool terrorists, right? Like suit-wearing terrorists, not backwoods Kentucky militia terrorists or Tora Bora terrorists.

Terrorists. Huh. We're terrorists that work for a pirate.

Hey Pierce, can you score me some Valium? I think I need Valium. I have a prescription, it's just never enough to fill the candy dish I keep on my desk these days.

Anyway, the broader issue is the Boss's history of assaulting citizens on the street. I'm particularly thinking of the incident a few years ago involving the Penetrator. That little spree resulted in some unfortunate news footage I guarantee will show up in an attack ad. The part with the old lady really crosses the line. We're lucky you never see kids or dogs on the street in Steelport, because I'm pretty sure the only thing keeping this campaign afloat is the fact that the Boss hasn't literally kicked a puppy to death.

Note: If the Boss ever kicks a puppy to death, please inform me immediately.

Trafficking, Tigers and Prostitution, Oh My!

Rounding out the circle of iniquity - lest the Boss leave some crime undone - we've still got a past of drug trafficking, prostitution, auto theft and sundry other things to deal with. The drugs are easy to explain away since the Saints got out of the business years ago when we went corporate - though expect to see that in an ad. The prostitution thing isn't exactly a secret since the Boss is pro-legalization. We could see some pushback from property rights libertarians offended by the car boosting, but whatever, people expect politicians to be thieves anyway.

No, what's really hard to explain is the tiger.

Where did Angel get a Bengal tiger? Why did he have it? What, exactly, was the purpose of making the Boss drive around town with it in the passenger seat? Previously I thanked fate that the Boss wasn't strolling down the street, kicking puppies - but putting an endangered animal at risk is equivalent to kicking twenty puppies then using their tiny tears as cologne. We need to counteract this one before it becomes public. Put the Boss in an magazine ad, petting a Koala or some shit. Maybe produce one of those sad ass Sarah McLachlan commercials full of one-eyed cats.

Seriously, Pierce: Valium.

I honestly don't know how we're going to win this one.


From: Pierce Washington, Campaign Manager
To: Kinzie Kensington
Re: Campaign Strategy

Kenzie, I know you're worried about potential problems that may arise on the campaign trail due to the Boss's past. However, I've developed a flexible, multi-use strategy to counteract these issues:

We'll cheat, baby.

Robert Rath is a freelance writer, novelist, and researcher currently based in Hong Kong. You can follow his exploits at or on Twitter at @RobWritesPulp.

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