Extra Punctuation

Extra Punctuation
On the Left 4 Dead Ban

Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw | 25 Sep 2009 16:00
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"Projectile shots to infected humans can cause abdominal wounds which can reveal innards or even cause intestines to spill from the wounds."
- those wannabe medical students from the ACB

Yes, well, we all have innards, ACB, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I bet even you lot have a few tucked away somewhere behind your 19th century three-piece suits that you have stitched onto your flesh to hide your shameful nudity.

"The player kills a very large amount of enemy characters to proceed through the game. Whilst no post-mortem damage can be inflicted, piles of bodies lay about the environment."
- those obsessive janitors from the ACB

Oh, god forbid that post-mortem damage be inflicted. It's perfectly rational to separate a limb bloodily from a torso with a single sweep of a machete while the owner is still alive and capable of raising an objection, but once you start hacking away at dead bodies, well, suddenly we've crossed a line. And I'd like to know what suggestions the ACB have for how to deal with all the bodies that may result from a zombie warzone. Perhaps you think they should sink into the ground and pop up a little tombstone, Worms-style, bearing the words "Trust Us, This Guy Was A Jerk."

"The interactive nature of the game increases the overall impact of the frequent and intense depictions of violence. This, coupled with the graphic depictions of blood and gore, combine to create a playing impact which is high."
- those hateful old bastards from the ACB

And you coupled with your flagrant defiance of common sense combine to create a cultural impact which is retarded. But there is an easy solution available to Valve, which worked for Carmageddon in the 90s back when it was having problems with the UK censors, and that's to color the blood bright green and call the Infected "alien body snatchers," perhaps giving them all little deeley-boppers to complete the effect. They may have already done this by the time this article goes out. But that's besides the point.

The point is, this might not seem important to you foreigners with your fancy food and your crap beaches, but Australia is a warning. It shows the world just how easy it can be to suppress what you and your hoary minions disapprove of, by exploiting bureaucracy and waving the banner of "think of the children." And even if the current authorities aren't actually evil, but are genuinely motivated to protect the innocent through completely retarded and ineffectual methods, then what happens a few governments down the line, when the same power could be in the hands of literally anyone? (anyone with a lot of money and people skills, anyway).

How easy would it be to refuse classification to games that criticize the government? Or news programs depicting jackbooted police stomping on the faces of dissenters like they're the Appalachian Trail? How soon before they can start refusing classification to human beings? We might as well just go whole hog and create "Logan's Run." At least then we'd all get laid.

Yahtzee is a British-born, currently Australian-based writer and gamer with a sweet hat and a chip on his shoulder. When he isn't talking very fast into a headset mic he also designs freeware adventure games and writes the back page column for PC Gamer, who are too important to mention us. His personal site is www.fullyramblomatic.com.

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