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"It's not actually different; this is how he originally sounded, back around the middle of '07. He didn't speed up his vocal track back then, or at least not as much. So, to anyone wondering, his voice sounds higher-pitched in the majority of reviews because he sped it up a bit (hence how he also talks so fucking fast. You'd have thought most people could figure that out)."
-CuddlyCombine

I'm quite impressed by people who can affect such an authoritarian tone when reciting facts they've blatantly pulled out of their arse. I have never artificially sped up my voice. I've only ever cut out pauses for breath, because no-one wants to hear me panting like an overworked horse after every third sentence. My early reviews were a little lower and slower because I was still settling into a groove. In fact, funnily enough, my very first review for The Escapist (Heavenly Sword) was also beset by a sudden onset of flu. So, shut your fat face.

Alright, enough about my sodding voice. Ask me something about the game.

"So what...is the game worth buying or not? It was a decent review, but I still don't know if I should pick up the game or not. Yeesh."
-Neesa, from the Assassin's Creed 2 comments

Thank you. Yes, do pick up the game. It's probably going to end up hovering somewhere around my Top 5 for 2009. As I've frequently said before, it's my nature to find criticism, and everything about the experience I don't directly reference is probably A-OK. While it does take a while to get going (you don't even assassinate anyone until about an hour or two in) and it carries a lot of vestigial features, there's more than enough good in there that stays largely untainted by the bad.

As for whether Assassin's Creed 3 will be worth checking out, I'm a little cautious. It's fairly heavily implied that the next one will be about the antics of Future Desmond, having learned all he can learn from his two ancestors in Screed 1 and 2, but while exploring the shiny white byways of a future city Screed-style does hold some appeal, I found all the non-Ezio bits of Screed 2 rather dreary. The branching storyline is getting lodged just a little bit too far up itself, and I pretty much gave up trying to understand it around the point I was being lectured at by some glowing lady who looked like something Captain Kirk might get his chubby little leg over at the end of a Star Trek episode.

Plus, while Altair was naïve but determined, and Ezio was hot-headed but dutiful, Future Desmond just comes across as, well, a bit of a smarmy ponce who I don't relish having to put up with for an entire game. Plus, his girlfriend looks like a frog.

Yahtzee is a British-born, currently Australian-based writer and gamer with a sweet hat and a chip on his shoulder. When he isn't talking very fast into a headset mic he also designs freeware adventure games and writes the back page column for PC Gamer, who are too important to mention us. His personal site is www.fullyramblomatic.com.

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