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3. War (Darksiders)

Appearance: So, where to begin. War has a thing on his head that I can only describe as a "red riding hood." His long white hair spills out the front and a symbol that doesn't mean shit is cut into his forehead. Just under his cowl is some kind of brooch on his right nipple that I think is supposed to represent three claws, and it's connected to another one on his back with a leather belt. On his right shoulder is a huge pauldron with a crestfallen-looking monster face (#1) carved into it, and on his right is a larger, golden one with scraps of ragged red cloth coming out from underneath. On War's left arm is heavy plate armor and a fairly basic clawed gauntlet. On his right is an absolutely massive steel glove-thing going all the way up to his elbow, with a skull face on the back of the hand (#2). Judging by the spacing of the glove's fingers, War's left hand is about three times bigger than his right.

War's midriff is covered by what I think might be an armored corset. Ha! You eat too many pies waiting for the apocalypse, did you, laddie? This leads us down to the thighs - on the left, layered armor, and on the right, a big metal monster face (#3) held on with another leather belt. This monster face seems a lot chirpier than its shoulder associate. The right knee is armored with a gold poleyn decorated with what could be another monster face (#4?) but it's hard to tell. The left poleyn bears the same three-claw motif as the nipple brooch. Massive armored boots cover the feet and shins, and judging by the boot design, War's feet are both about three times bigger than his head. On the underside of the boots are the words "Buzz Products Pty Ltd," but I think this can be disregarded.

Finally, War is holding in his non-mutant hand a sword slightly taller than him and roughly a foot wide. The blade is festooned with screaming monster faces (#5, #6, #7, plus #8, #9 and #10 if you count the other side, but it's just the same texture flipped). At the end of the blade is a little cut widening into a circular gap about eleven inches up. Perhaps this is where War likes to keep his cigar.

Evaluation: Fuck, I dunno. War is apparently some kind of grotesque Thalidomide victim. He wears a cowl to cover the fact that he has a girls' hairdo. He likes wearing faces on his armor, presumably so he has something to talk to when he gets lonely. He is also very cross all the time, probably because it takes him an hour to get dressed every fucking morning, and by noon the sweat would make him smell like a wrestler's laundry basket. And from a distance he looks a bit like a giant metal haystack.

Conclusion: Joe Madureira needs to back the fuck off from his drawing table before he does the world permanent damage.

Anyway.

I recently registered a Twitter account, partly out of confusion. I can't fathom why it's so big right now. A lot of it reads like a transcript of that scene from Lawnmower Man where Jobe is hearing the thoughts of every shlub in the room and his face contorts with nosey anguish. But anyway, if you'd like to see me attempt to get my head around it all I'm at twitter.com/YahtzeeCroshaw. Follow if you like, but don't think it means we're friends or anything.

Yahtzee is a British-born, currently Australian-based writer and gamer with a sweet hat and a chip on his shoulder. When he isn't talking very fast into a headset mic he also designs freeware adventure games and writes the back page column for PC Gamer, who are too important to mention us. His personal site is www.fullyramblomatic.com.

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