Extra Punctuation

Extra Punctuation
New Team Fortress 2 Classes

Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw | 31 May 2011 16:00
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The Counsellor

Balance is important, so this new alternative build for the Medic class would be the vital counter to the soul-destroying powers of the Propaganda Artist. When a soldier runs inside the base crying because the enemy team's Artist depicted his receding hairline with particularly caustic accuracy, the Counsellor can deploy their thermos of hot milky tea to get them back into mental shape (the thermos being the Counsellor's primary weapon, their secondary being a doll with which teammates can indicate where the enemy team touched them). The Counsellor also has an equivalent of the Medic's ubercharge from TF2 (drink) with which he can put a teammate into a temporary state of total self-assurance previously seen only in American politicians.

The Crime Scene Investigator

With the success of LA Noire, and with mainstream gaming growing into a more sophisticated phase, team-based shooters should cater to people who prefer thoughtful, investigative gameplay. Many such games already have a system wherein player X can become a "nemesis" or priority target if they kill player Y enough times in a row, but with the new system, this will only occur once the Crime Scene Investigator has worked the scene, gone through the giblets, interrogated suspects, traced the footprints and bullet casings and left a fully detailed report on player Y's desk. Primary weapon: Roll of yellow and black stripey tape. Secondary weapon: stern tone of voice.

The Pilot

Alright, Yahtzee, so you're butchering a perfectly satisfactory action shooter to cater for adventure gamers, artists and social workers, but what about all the other genres of video game? Valid point, myself, so allow me to introduce the Pilot. Rather than storming from the base in an undisciplined mob like the rest of the classes, the Pilot's experience involves taking off from the airbase, ascending to a height at which they couldn't possibly be hit by any enemy unit, looking at the clouds for a while and then pressing a button when their targeting computer tells them to, whereupon their team immediately wins. Then the news media trumpets the victory, folks back home celebrate, and in that lonely bombed-out crater the first vultures fight over the eyeballs of a father of three.

The Tiger

The fierce and beautiful predator of the Indian subcontinent, the Tiger has the obvious benefits of wild unstoppable strength and razor-sharp teeth, but also has the ability to capture control points by widdling all over them, which has the added mixed benefit of making every other character disinclined to stand on that control point for a while. What the Tiger loses in long-distance attack ability it gains in the fact that it's a fucking tiger.

Yahtzee is a British-born, currently Australian-based writer and gamer with a sweet hat and a chip on his shoulder. When he isn't talking very fast into a headset mic he also designs freeware adventure games and writes the back page column for PC Gamer, who are too important to mention us. His personal site is www.fullyramblomatic.com.

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