Sorry, I regressed about twenty years for a second there. Let's look at the controller. Ha. Real funny, Nintendo, put that Etch-A-Sketch away and show us the real one. Oh, that is the real one. How awkward. Some motherfuckers always feel they have to reinvent the wheel, don't they. It's true that the controllers for the 360, PS3, Gamecube, PS2, Xbox and PS1 (post-dual shock) have all basically been functionally identical in terms of how you hold them and number and layout of buttons, but that's because it's a neat design that works perfectly satisfactorily. I'm sorry if your design teams weren't feeling challenged, Nintendo, but you could have just given them logos to do. As for the touchscreen, I've very slightly upgraded my position from 'get the fuck out of here' to 'let me see it in action, then get the fuck out of here'. Maybe I just lack the imagination to see its applications but all I know is that a screen stops feeling like my proxy eyes for looking into a magical new world if I have to swap it out for another, smaller set of eyes every now and again.

I love when people say all I do is bash Nintendo. Look around, smart guy, I've got bashes for everybody, if you only notice it when I do it to one company then surprise! A fanboy is you. There's just more to say about Ninty because they're the only ones bringing out major new hardware; for Sony and Microsoft it's largely business as usual, pushing the already-outdated motion controls and what exclusives they could swing.

Microsoft Kinect, now, I will admit, that's going in interesting places. The trouble is that few of them are to do with gaming, and are therefore of profound disinterest to me. Perhaps it is cool that the Kinect is being used in robotics and perhaps I would even invest in one of those Minority Report computers where I can move windows around by waving my hands, but I wouldn't type with it and I wouldn't play games with it, because a button with no tactile feedback - wherein your brain does not receive the immediate message that yes, the button has been pressed - is considerably less convenient to use.

As for the voice control thing they're trying for Mass Effect 3, no. Just no. Voice control has been tried before and the problem with it is nothing to do with how well the game recognizes your words - it's that pressing a button (call me a buttonphile, I suppose, it's something I must have picked up as a child from going to science museums) is still less effort than voicing a command. And is less likely to make your housemates think that you're a wally.

Finally, the only thing that really struck me as interesting from Sony's presentation was the concept of the dual TV - the idea that the two people in the room could put on different glasses and each be seeing a different screen. It's such a simple idea to implement with current 3D technology it makes me wonder why it took this long to think of it. Playing splitscreen is always a massive pain in the arse when you know for a fact the other bastard is only winning because he keeps watching your screen so you throw your Fanta at him and your mum yells at you. This is an actual gaming technology advancement that seems like it would actually enhance gaming without getting in the way of all the existing bits of it I like. It's just a shame they expect us to buy a whole new TV for it when there doesn't seem to be any reason you couldn't modify existing 3D TVs to do it, use some of that fucking technology for good for once.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I'm not trying to judge all of future gaming pre-emptively or encourage you to do so. I encourage you to wait until you can play with it all yourself and draw your own conclusions. But I also think that it doesn't hurt to be prepared for the worst, and it most certainly does hurt to be expecting the best. Being disappointed isn't good. Do you think the French Revolution was started by a whole bunch of really satisfied and emotionally well-adjusted people?

Next week: Why every single third party game is going to be shit as well!

Yahtzee is a British-born, currently Australian-based writer and gamer with a sweet hat and a chip on his shoulder. When he isn't talking very fast into a headset mic he also designs freeware adventure games and writes the back page column for PC Gamer, who are too important to mention us. His personal site is

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