Extra Punctuation

Extra Punctuation
Upcoming Games Won't Suck, Hopefully

Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw | 21 Jun 2011 16:00
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Skyrim

Again, lots of cutscene bollocks on display, but from the brief snatches of gameplay shown it certainly does look like a sequel to Oblivion, for better or worse, with some gratifyingly different environments at least. As ever one must read between the lines with any trailer, and knowing the Elder Scrolls I can't help but wonder if the most representative part of the trailer is the brief, mystifying snatch of gameplay in which the protagonist stands in a cave firing a magic spell at what appears to be absolutely fucking nothing.

Mass Effect 3

Mass Effect's always kind of drifted around quality-wise looking for the right mix, so I guess we're hoping third time's the charm. The trailer doesn't seem to communicate much besides a load of shooting on foot. You know, if any series is in a position to reintroduce entertaining real-time space combat and exploration like I've said for years needs to make a comeback, it's this one, but no, I guess we're all still a little too attached to our chest high walls, aren't we. And it still bothers me that Shepard, most important and famous motherfucker in the universe, is even worse at delegation than Captain Kirk. What happens if you get killed in the field, smart guy?

Serious Sam 3

It's well documented that I love Serious Sam, but I was very disappointed by the screenshots I saw of number 3 showing very straight-faced dusty grey-brown glistening bollocks in a franchise I loved for its fast pace, bright colour and unabashed silliness. Listen, shooter developers - we're good for grey-brown dusty ruined cities. We've got plenty of those to last the winter, but without a balanced diet we're probably all going to get scurvy. I'm not too proud to admit that the tagline "No Cover, All Man" did cause me to have a little squirt, though.

Tomb Raider

Is it me, or has Lara Croft's accent drifted east along the Thames a bit since last we saw her? Well, it's a prequel, perhaps this was before she went to elocution lessons. From what I gather this new example of that hateful "reboot with same title" trend has a new puzzle gimmick they're calling "Survival Instinct" but nothing tells me it's not just going to be another action-adventure egg basket. It's a little disappointing because I've often thought there needs to be a really decent survival-based game, like you have to cross a procedurally-generated desert while watching your food and water intake and finding shelter for each night. Whatever happened to that I Am Alive game Ubisoft were banging on about a while back? Better release something soon or that name's going to start becoming ironic.

Halo 4 (5, 6, etc)

Not that I'm one to crow but I just want to slap a big fat "called it" on this one. I said at the end of the Halo: Reach review, despite Bungie's efforts to draw a decisive line under their seminal franchise, I fucking knew Microsoft wasn't going to let that particular cash cow finish its cud and leap the farmyard fence with dignity. Honestly, some people just can't let go of the past, can they.

The Silent Hill HD Collection

OH GOD IS THIS THE EMOTION YOU CALL JOY????

Yahtzee is a British-born, currently Australian-based writer and gamer with a sweet hat and a chip on his shoulder. When he isn't talking very fast into a headset mic he also designs freeware adventure games and writes the back page column for PC Gamer, who are too important to mention us. His personal site is www.fullyramblomatic.com.

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