Extra Punctuation

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What Ethnic Group Will Replace Nazis?

Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw | 29 May 2012 16:00
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Vikings

You may notice a bit of a historic overtone to these first entries, and it's true that a nice comfortable time distance does help to make violence jolly again. You cause less offense talking about killing Vikings than you do talking about killing Nazis. No neo-Vikings are hanging around Denmark in modern times plotting to take back the English monasteries. But it's not just because they were invading assholes that makes Vikings an acceptable target; it's that they'd probably be completely down with you. There was no greater shame for a Viking than not dying in battle, so anyone who sets out to murder every last one of them would by considered by them to be a great philanthropist, and you could be sure that everyone would be having a good time throughout. Also Scandinavians in general don't really care when they're being demonized because it's difficult to care about anything while you're whipping yourself naked in the snow.

On a related note:

Really, really blonde people

I know it's ginger people that tend to attract the most popular suspicion as far as hair color goes, but tell me this: if the kids in Village of the Damned had all been freckled carrot tops, would you have been able to take any of it as seriously? I'm not picking on all blonde people, here, just anything on, say, the Joffrey Baratheon level or lighter. There's just something a little bit creepy about that sort of thing, and since the Nazi Aryan ideal was all over blonde hair then victimizing the blonde is basically being the exact opposite of a Nazi. Actually, thinking about it, if Joffrey Baratheon were ginger then all that sadism would probably be quite charming in an awkward kind of way.

Multicultural groups

So what would be the best way to ensure that no one can accuse your game of racism? You include within the enemy ranks every conceivable racial group in equal numbers! This does evoke in my mind those 90's kids TV shows like Captain Planet and the Planeteers that always had psychotically diverse casts to teach us something about being inclusive, but I don't see that being a problem. I'm not trying to discourage multiculturalism or all mankind living together in perfect harmony, but there was something about those intentionally diverse groups that struck me as hollow, hypocritical and smug. Tell me you're not attracted to the idea of mowing down the entire fucking Burger King Kids' Club.

Perhaps I'm bitter because, growing up in the UK, I resented there being no Planeteer representing Western Europe. I ended up coming up with one of my own. His name was Barry, and his ring's special power was "chips".

Yahtzee is a British-born, currently Australian-based writer and gamer with a sweet hat and a chip on his shoulder. When he isn't talking very fast into a headset mic he also designs freeware adventure games. His personal site is www.fullyramblomatic.com.

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