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Chris Hardwick | 16 Mar 2009 21:00
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Dancing With the Woz

I had never seen an episode of "Dancing With the Stars" before a week ago, mainly because I have a sensitive gag reflex. I ONLY watched because of Steve Wozniak and I was unsarcastically hoping that he would do a Segway grind across the judges table. Instead, he used his feet on the floor. And he friggin' WENT FOR IT. Was he the greatest dancer? No. But I really enjoyed watching him. He's just a big bearded pile of hugs. I was happy. That is, until douchey judge Bruno Tonioli, who had apparently taken some kind of mouth-laxative shortly before, opened it to make words.

"It was like watching a Teletubby going mad in a gay pride parade." Though I wouldn't be surprised if Tonioli has actually seen that happen, I've worked in television long enough to know that this wasn't improvised. He'd obviously been holding onto that gem and just clenching his fists together the whole show, waiting to blurt it out so that people would say, "Aha! How clever you are, Sir!" But it wasn't clever. "Clever" would presuppose some kind of creative mechanism at play. What happened was, they had a fat guy on their show and they called him fat. End of story. As challenging as punching a baby. Would it have been acceptable to call Heather Mills a decorative pogo stick?
Just because The Woz wozn't a great dancer I think he could've been afforded a MODICUM of respect. Let's do a quick rundown of their comparative accomplishments:

WOZNIAK: Helped create personal computers
TONIOLI: Dances real good
WOZNIAK: In 1980 became a multimillionaire taking Apple Computers public with Steve Jobs
TONIOLI: In 1980 appeared in Elton John's "I'm Still Standing" video
WOZNIAK: Is an affable, generous guy
TONIOLI: Possesses the subtlety of kick-fucking

Woz's response? "I think it should be noted that Teletubbies aired for 5 years, had 365 episodes, and a #1 music single! I'd take that as a compliment." What a nice billionaire. Creepy that he knows so much about the Teletubbies, but a nice billionaire nonetheless.

...and speaking of Apple...

The New Shuffle - REALLY? No, Seriously...REALLY??

It's a tremendous pain in the craphole to get products to review from Apple so I just plunked down the $79 in the name of write-offable reviews. What you should know about me that will anger at least a percentage of you is that most of my computing has that half-eaten piece of fruit on it. I'm the Apple fanboy that turns pasty PC-philes a rosy hue of angry red. Truthfully, though, if that makes you mad you should find more important things to occupy your rage.

It is because I am such a fan that I am baffled by a couple of recent redesigns (sometimes you have to hurt the ones you love). Someone over there has become obsessed with long rectangles over the more rhomboid feel that does nothing but make sense. The 3rd gen Nano was a well-proportioned device that made watching videos on such a tiny machine great. Then someone, probably a stressed-out designer on his 30th smoke break of the day thought, "What if you could watch movies on a cigarette lighter?" and the 4th gen Nano was born.

Then last week, Apple openly declared a war on buttons with the new Shuffle. The 2nd gen Shuffle was tech-tastic. Perfect size, easy to navigate and great for exercising (bad for swimming, though). The new design moves from Minimalism all the way to Russian Suprematism.

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