Geek Salad

Geek Salad
Evo-douche-on

Chris Hardwick | 30 Mar 2009 20:00
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1) Desensitization

Doesn't becoming desensitized make people more effective in crisis situations? We fear the unknown but situational familiarity ebbs those fear-tides. I spent an hour the other day watching childbirth videos on YouTube. No reason. I just had never seen a baby come out of a woman. Now that I have a mental reference for what that looks like, isn't it theoretically plausible that I might be at least a few percentage points less likely to freak out if a spontaneous childbirth scenario arose during the course of my day, and that those few percentage points could make the difference between life and death? Sorry I couldn't conjure a less vaginal example to make a point, but if you look closely enough you might start to see the niblet of wisdom nestled in the turd.

2) Bigger, Faster Brains!

In the first century PW (Pre-Web), if you wanted to see "Duck Bites Baby" you actually had to trap a duck and have a baby. While this was no doubt exciting on a neurological level, it was also just far too much work. Since the Web allows us access to a near limitless amount of instantaneously new experiences, is it possible that Natural Selection will begin to favor those flourishing minds that can process the most information in the shortest amount of time? Are we not paving the way for bigger, better brains when we consistently increase the number and frequency of crazy, unfamiliar shit we're smearing into our eyes and ears?

The more pathways we create, the more electricity will be needed for the ol' think bulbs in our skulls. Gradually, our heads will get bigger and bigger and our bodies will begin to shrink from physical inactivity due to a life spent in front of a terminal. Perpetually indoors, we'll lose our hair and our eyes will widen and darken to let in more visual stimuli through artificial light. When our advanced selves unlock universal and dimensional mastery, say, in 100,000 years or so, we will travel back in time to share our secrets with our 21st century progenitors, only to become the mistaken archetype for aliens and dissected.

Therefore, it is your DUTY to the betterment of your species to watch as many people get hit in the nuts with as many different objects as you can.

Chris Hardwick awaits your vitriolic rebuttals at hardwicknerdarmy@gmail.com and will fill the gap until he receives them populating Nerdist.com with "content."

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