LoveFAQ is a weekly advice column for geeks, by geeks about love, life and maxing out your romance meter. Got questions for LoveFAQs? Send them to email@example.com.
Dear Love FAQ,
I'm a gay geek. I've been out of the closet since I turned 15. My problem is, I'm quite straight acting: I'm short, muscular and I like a bit of scruff on my face. I don't talk "gay" or act it in any way.
The result is I never get hit on by guys outside of dating sites. I get hit on by girls quite often, so I'm sure it isn't my looks. But guys tend to label me as "straight" and move on. A woman at work even went so far as to insinuate I only pretend to be gay so I can get closer to girls. Sigh.
Dating sites are nice, but I find that meeting people live often works better. But unless I make the first move I don't get noticed.
I don't want to "camp" myself up for the sake of others. And I don't think there is anything wrong with being effeminate, but it just isn't me. So ... help?
Didn't Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog teach you anything? Don't hide who you are just to get laid; it'll only backfire on you - or Felicia Day.
You say that gay men tend to "write you off" as straight. Are you letting them know otherwise? Nobody says you have to affect a lisp, or tattoo a rainbow on your forehead. But if you're chatting up a cute guy, do you ever just say, "Hey, you're hot. Want to grab dinner sometime?"
Boom: Queerocity established. Mission accomplished.
Not getting hit on is a problem that transcends gender and sexuality -- some people, for whatever reason, just don't get approached. It's nothing on you; maybe you just attract shy guys. That's why, in these situations, it's best to grab the dice and roll for initiative. If you're not getting hit on by others, then you go hit on them first.
Yes, it's nerve-wracking and awkward, I know - doubly so for queer geeks, since you're a minority within a minority. If you're worried about that, you might feel more comfortable sticking to where you know gay men congregate. Gay bars are an obvious bet, but if you're not comfortable with the bar scene, try queer-only Meetups, community groups, even LGBT WoW guilds.
Everyone finds a man with balls sexy. It's science.
As for your coworker, if she's stupid enough to think you're pretending to be gay to get chicks (someone listens to too much Bloodhound Gang), then the problem isn't with you. It's with her. Don't waste your time on it. Be like Honey Badger. Just don't give a shit.
Dear Love FAQ,
How does one handle running across the OKCupid profiles of acquaintances or friends? Acknowledge you saw it? Leave it be completely? Or agree to some kind of blood pact, never to speak of it again?
--It Can't Be Unseen
Dear Can't Be Unseen:
Depends on the friend, of course, but in general, online dating is like hitch-hiking. If you don't want to flag down the passing car and get on, then get the hell off the road. Jumping in front will just get messy.