Love FAQ

Love FAQ
The Unbearable Lightness of Licking Lampposts

Lara Crigger | 1 Jul 2011 16:00
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Dear Love FAQ,

I'm a 21 year old male, entering my senior year of college. I'm a normal guy: I play guitar, enjoy the outdoors, do monthly drills with the Army Reserve, and so on. Yet, after three years at a school famous for its party scene and attractive women, I'm still a virgin.

Not that I'm inexperienced - a bit slow, perhaps (I didn't have my first kiss until my 20th birthday), but I'm no stranger to sexual activity. I've just never gone "all the way."

Needless to say, it's not easy being - apparently - the only virgin my age. After catching flak for it, I eventually started lying about it so people would stop asking. It worked. Trouble is, I kept lying even after I started dating a girl from one of my classes.

I really like her - she's attractive, smart, funny and, most importantly, I can be myself around her. As it happens, she's also a virgin. We've fooled around a bit, but obviously haven't had sex. I'm pretty certain she buys my charade, though; after all, could she really know better?

I've kept this lie up for so long that I've grown used to it. And part of me wants to keep it up. In the event we do have sex, I could quietly lose my virginity. No one would be the wiser.

However, I feel I need to tell the truth. I'm 21 now, a year from graduation, and as a soldier, I should put honor and integrity first above everything. Only now do I realize how deep a hole I dug, because I'm afraid I may lose the first girl I've really liked in years. I'd be crushed if I lost her.

So how do I tell her that I lied, about something so trivial yet so significant?

Sincerely,

Never Actually Licked A Lamppost In Winter

Dear NALALIW,

Being a virgin really isn't that big of a deal, and despite what you think, you're not the only one your age. Obviously. After all, you're dating one, aren't you?

Tremendous pressure exists, especially in college, to seem more sexually experienced than you are - that there must be something wrong with you if you're not jackhammering every wriggling flesh-lump in sight. But sex isn't a leaderboard. Don't let your friends convince you otherwise.

The sooner you come clean about this, the better; after all, healthy relationships aren't founded on falsehoods. So to tell her, start with what you've told me:

• I lied.
• This is why I lied.
• I'm sorry.
• Can you forgive me?

Keep it matter-of-fact, short and sweet. Explain why you lied, but don't make excuses for yourself. Be an adult. Take responsibility for your mistake.

She may be so mad that your lie becomes a deal-breaker. Or she might understand completely, and your confession simply brings the two of you closer. I don't know. You've dated her for months. You tell me.

Either way, it's not an excuse to stay silent. If she can't forgive you, then chalk it up as a lesson learned. But if she does forgive you, so much the better.

Because the sooner you tell her, the sooner the make-up sex can begin.

Disclaimer: LoveFAQ is written by Lara Crigger, who is by no means a trained psychiatrist or therapist or even a middle school guidance counselor - just a smart gal who wants to help out her fellow geek. LoveFAQ is meant for entertainment purposes only, so don't take it as a substitute for professional advice. If you have real problems, consult your physician.

Got a burning question (or a question about burning) for LoveFAQ? Send your emails to advice@escapistmag.com. All submissions are confidential and anonymous.

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