Love FAQ

Love FAQ
The One Time Knowledge of Elvish Battle Poetry Comes in Handy

Lara Crigger | 9 Sep 2011 16:00
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Dear Love FAQ,

I've been married now for over a year. I love my husband and he's great. Lately though, I have begun to have romantic feelings for my best friend. I've known him forever, he gets me in a very different way and I know in the past he has had feelings for me.

I have told my husband about this. He accepts it and just asks that I don't act on it, which I have not. How can I stop having these feelings without hurting anyone else I care about?

The Elfroot is Greener on the Other Side

Dear Elfroot,

You're married, not dead. There's nothing wrong with crushes, and it's totally normal to get a little hinkydink in your pants now and then for someone who isn't your husband - especially someone as easy to fantasize about as your long-term bestie. You might as well accept that it will happen, and stop beating yourself up over it.

But, as your husband pointed out, feeling is entirely separate from action.

Even when you were single, you didn't act on every sexual attraction or emotional connection you felt, right? You picked your battles and saved your mana for the guys that really mattered.

Well, now your husband matters. Look at or fantasize about other men as much as you want. But don't touch. You made a promise. Keep it.

There's this misconception that once you put on the poofy dress and stutter through some vows, that's it. You're done. Achievement Unlocked. No more effort required.

But commitment is a choice, one you make every single day. And some days that choice is harder than others. Some days, of course, it's easier. But it's always your decision, always a product of your own agency.

Commitment would be easier if we could somehow just not look, but then it wouldn't be a choice anymore, would it? It would be inertia, you coasting along the path of least resistance forever. It's those alternatives, and your rejection of them, that gives your commitment meaning.

Marriage isn't the Hotel California. You can leave any time you want. But you choose not to. And in the end, that's all that really matters.

Disclaimer: LoveFAQ is written by Lara Crigger, who is by no means a trained psychiatrist or therapist or even a middle school guidance counselor - just a smart gal who wants to help out her fellow geek. LoveFAQ is meant for entertainment purposes only, so don't take it as a substitute for professional advice. If you have real problems, consult your physician.

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