Love FAQ

Love FAQ
My Love For You Is Ticking Clock

Lara Crigger | 16 Dec 2011 16:00
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Persistence and keeping your cool is key, because you're fighting an uphill battle here against years of social conditioning. Our society paints men's sexuality as an on-off switch (usually flipped to 'on'), but just as a woman's libido is a many-splendored thing, so too is a man's. Not all men have a libido in hyper drive. Not even most men. And sometimes, a guy really does just want to cuddle.

When your boyfriend doesn't want sex, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Stress, anxiety, depression, inebriation, nerves, fatigue, hunger, illness, anger or self-doubt may all be lowering his libido. And some days, a man just doesn't feel like it.

So just be patient, and don't take it personally.

Dear Love FAQ,

I like to see myself as a gentleman, a role-model for how to act civilized against the opposite sex; I always keep secrets and promises, I support them when in peril and give them advice whenever I can. It's appreciated and I'm generally happy I can be a trustworthy friend for others.

I also chose not to have a girlfriend until I reach 21 years old.

This decision was entirely my own; kindergarten and middle school both showed me a lot of girls being 13-17 years old (at least in my region) were unstable, indecisive and very naive in relationships. Put on top a very painful experience of finally daring to ask a girl out and being turned down in front of everyone, and you'll get why I chose to wait.

Keeping this promise for 6 years and seeing my friends getting successful relationships of their own, I begin to doubt if it was the right path to walk. Maybe I've set myself a high barrier to ensure I won't feel the same pain as before? Should I be bold and try again before turning 21?

Two Years 'Til 21

Dear 21,

Newsflash: Everyone between the ages of 13 and 17 is unstable, indecisive and naïve. That's pretty much what being an adolescent is all about: being fucked up and having an excuse for it.

Nor do people stop being unstable, indecisive and naïve once they hit 18, or 21, or any other arbitrary age. It's because we're all a little broken inside. None of us is perfect. The secret is to find someone whose broken pieces fit your broken pieces-or, at least, fit well enough so they won't rub against each other until you both bleed to death.

Maybe your doubt is telling you something: Writing off everyone around you because they don't meet your high standards is an easy recipe for loneliness. Happiness isn't achieved by holding yourself at arm's length and shutting out those around you. Happiness comes when you let people in, even if - especially if - they're as flawed and unstable as you.

Disclaimer: LoveFAQ is written by Lara Crigger, who is by no means a trained psychiatrist or therapist or even a middle school guidance counselor - just a smart gal who wants to help out her fellow geek. LoveFAQ is meant for entertainment purposes only, so don't take it as a substitute for professional advice. If you have real problems, consult your physician.

Got a burning question (or a question about burning) for LoveFAQ? Send your emails to All submissions are confidential and anonymous.

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