No Right Explanation

No Right Explanation
Indiana Jones vs Han Solo

Firefilm | 16 Jan 2012 17:00
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Last week the boys debated which Harrison Ford role was the greatest ever, Indiana Jones or Han Solo. But since the debates you see are only a small slice of the discussions and decisions that make up an entire episode. With that in mind, we're allowing Chris and Kyle and Dan the chance to bring a bit more context in a new follow-up feature, No Right Explanation

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Chris: The debate between Indiana Jones and Han solo may be over, and I may have won with Indy, but there's a lot that's not setting well with me. Yes, I like winning as much as the next man or cybertronic sex machine, but knowing darn well that some punches were pulled, some shots were fired second, well that just rubs be the wrong way, and as a cybertronic sex machine I'm very much against that.

For one, Kyle didn't hammer the point home that although Indiana Jones hasn't had his iconic three movies tampered with, his final outing really did seek to undo all the good graces that have befallen him. Han Solo, while the butt of many a Lucas-focused joke, was nowhere to be found in the prequel trilogy of Star Wars, meaning at worst his low moment is a wonky head bob, whereas Indiana Jones has cringe-worthy moments of goofy old man shenanigans. A whip is a selling point when you're at Nazi-punching prime. It's not so cute when you're just a few years from Depends.

Furthermore, Kyle's ultimate ace in the hole should have been the exact argument I brought up: Han's companion. I threw a poorly-conceived notion in his face claiming that Chewbacca is somehow a hard sell for a woman. I'm a bit stunned I didn't get booed right out of the Internet for that as Chewbacca is universally loved by all, whereas Indie's companions have been a shrill blonde bombshell, a traitorous Nazi minx, a small Chinese stereotype, and a woman who birthed Shia LaBeouf. Again, simply the fact that Indiana Jones had a Shia sperm swimming around his temple of doom should be enough to torpedo any claims of his badassery.

Finally, the fan angle should have been brought into the foreground a bit more from Kyle's end. People don't lose their damn minds about Indiana Jones news, but things related to Star Wars can set off another crusade, or at least a month-long bitch session. That comes from a strong connection, and perhaps the reason there's a stronger connection to Star Wars is because Indiana Jones is cool but ultimately a single male fantasy. When we watch Indiana Jones, we like Indy, but we don't really relate to Indy. In Star Wars, the good three, Han Solo thankfully doesn't have to be the only character you can connect with. More of a nerd? Head to Luke. Even more of a nerd? Maybe C-3PO's your droid. Feel like the rebel wherever you go? Hey look, Han has got your back. This lets the character breathe a bit instead of requiring him to steal every moment. He feels more ... believable.

But Kyle didn't mention these things and I won. The galaxy is at peace.

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Kyle: Chris definitely should have mentioned that Indiana Jones is much better at foreign relations with the indigenous peoples he comes across. While Han was trying really hard not to tear those ewoks apart out of annoyance, Indy was respecting the traditions and customs of
the folks he came across. He always ate whatever was put in front of him regardless of how gross and vaguely racist it was.

And Han was a bit of a slippery dickwad. He bails on his debts, runs away from most fights, and whenever he gets cornered, he gives a bunch of crappy excuses. When Dr. Jones gets captured or caught, he usually stares down the villain and explains why the ancient relic will kill them all.

Honestly, I'm surprised Chris didn't nail me with a large discrepancy in Han Solo's reputation. While I described him as suave and cool in the debate, there's evidence to the contrary. Immediately upon coming face-to-face with Darth Vader, he draws his blaster and fires, which could have gotten him, the Princess, and everyone else in the room killed. When faced with the same situation in his own galaxy, Indy kept his cool while hanging out close enough to Hitler to smell his vile breath.

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