image

Dan: So I'm glad to see that our fans stepped in and defended my decision to make a passing comment to St. Patty's Day. Once and for all, let's all agree that people these days celebrate holidays in ways that have little to nothing in common with how the holiday started. People eat chocolate eggs filled with sugar goo for Easter, they max out all their credit cards for Christmas, and they get drunk on green beer on St. Patty's Day. Pointing these trends out has nothing to do with the religious or political true meanings of the holiday.

Plus, I actually made and ate boiled corned beef and took a shot of whisky on St. Patrick's Day this year, and I'm Jewish. So ... there's that.

As for the points, first one went to Kyle. It is usually the case where Bond will not only bed some vixen that is the Bond Girl of the movie, but he will enter a country and run into someone who he's already conquered. Kirk generally starts from scratch every time, while Bond has got a black book with it's own Dewey decimal system.

Second point went to me for something that's always bothered me about Bond. The man must have so many STDs that the actor playing him gets crabs. Meanwhile Kirk gets what amounts to a bleach shower every time he beams onto the ship. That is, as long as the teleporter doesn't malfunction ... but that almost never happens. Basically, to be a successful playa, you can't have a wang that is 75% genital warts.

Third point goes to me for one reason and one reason only: Vagina planet. Kirk can go there. Bond cannot. Bond can do every woman on Earth, but he will never get the action that Kirk can on VP. Never heard of VP? They didn't air it, but you know he went there.

Harking back to the first point, Kyle gets the next one for the elaboration that Bond can change a gal's allegiance with his motion of the ocean. Kirk maybe can ease tensions of a war-torn world, but it's never a war between him and someone else. He's an ambassador ... in bed.

Next point goes to me, but it brings me no pleasure. Next week I am going to a good friend's wedding with my wife and baby. My ex will be in the bridal party. This wedding will not be the most carefree event I have ever attended. Kirk, I envy you.

I get another point for the argument that Kirk has no competition for the ladies, whilst Bond is surrounded by alpha males. Even the guy who cried blood had a woman. It's the power that really turns women on, and Kirk will always be better in that respect because Bond has to keep his awesomeness a secret, while Kirk is written into history books of other species!

The drinking point went to me simply because at this point it was clear who would win. Boldly go where no man has gone before, now that's a sentence that can be dirty and I went there. Yes, I did.

So, if any of you have advice for me on this upcoming wedding thing, post it below. All I know is I better get a piece of cake.

RELATED CONTENT
Comments on