No Right Explanation

No Right Explanation
Presidential Royal Rumble

Firefilm | 6 Aug 2012 16:00
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Kyle: I wasn't expecting everyone to take this as seriously as they did. Just throwing that out there. I often feel that the U.S. Presidents are regarded with way too much reverence from folks on the internet in particular. It's like the Edison vs. Tesla thing.

Centuries have passed. Let it go.

Anyway, I understand that these choices were the obvious ones. You didn't have to tell us that. We knew. We felt it would be a less entertaining episode if we went for Calvin Coolidge vs. Chester A. Arthur. Lincoln and Teddy are the obvious choices because these two men have crossed over from history into legend. Lincoln fought vampires in a movie this year, for crying out loud. Sorry, that puts him in a special category.

But I stand by my declaration that Theodore Roosevelt is the best U.S. President. Think of it this way: This is the only U.S. President to be awarded both the Congressional Medal of Honor and a Nobel Peace Prize. Yes, the foremost award for valor in warfare, and the world's foremost honor for fostering peace. Same guy.

Sure, he was awarded the Medal of Honor in 2001, a hundred years after his Presidency and eighty years after his death. But he was nominated for the award at the time of his service in the Spanish-American War. And he won that damn Nobel award fair and square for negotiating an end to the Russo-Japanese War.

But not only that, he had a background for tough leadership that Lincoln could never hold claim to. When he was a frontier sheriff he captured two dangerous outlaws and guarded them without sleep for forty hours. He was the New York City Police Commissioner. He was a Colonel in a volunteer cavalry unit. He even led expeditions into the malaria-infested Congo and the Brazilian jungles. And that was when he wasn't being a political badass.

Teddy was shot in the chest by an assassin during a campaign speech. He took one look at his wound, concluded that the bullet must not have penetrated his lung (because he wasn't coughing blood or dead), and decided to give his 90-minute speech anyway. And he carried that bullet in his chest for the rest of his life.

That's it. Teddy is so money and he doesn't even know it. And I don't even know what that means.

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