No Right Explanation

No Right Explanation
Hollywood Makes You Crazy

Firefilm | 27 Aug 2012 16:00
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Kyle: This debate was a classic case of "I was having too much fun, and that's why I lost." So let's jump right into the post-game. Go to the tape!

I forgot to highlight the fact that Tom Cruise isn't crazy because he's a Scientologist. I hope we didn't imply that believing in something is crazy, in regards to either of these guys. Tom Cruise is a Scientologist, Mel Gibson happens to be Christian. That's all well and good. No problem there. But the way these two represent their collective religions is what is crazy.

So Tom Cruise isn't crazy for believing in Scientology. But he is crazy for becoming the public face and high ambassador of an admittedly kooky religion made up by a bad sci-fi author (who did so in order to pay his bills and get laid). Fact is, you're Tom Cruise. You're the guy who played volleyball with Val Kilmer and shouted "Show me the money!" and etc. You should not become a religious figure and try converting your fans.

Bottom line, I think Tom Cruise has made Scientology seem crazier. Not vice versa. It's this nutty notion that the little bastard goes from hammy movie star to televangelist. And it's clear that he takes it more seriously than L. Ron Hubbard did.

So, maybe I didn't have the time or attention to properly articulate that. But you have to admit it, Chris missed a big argument here. Mel Gibson is racist, yes. We all know this. He's very murderous and psychotic on the phone with his spouse. But Chris forgot two very important pieces of this insanity pie, though.

One: Mel Gibson's brain gave us the word "Sugar-tits." There you go. When you factor that in, I never stood a chance. That's the type of phrase used by badly-written movie mobsters. And they only use the word "sugar-tits" in strip clubs and brothels, where actual tits are in plain view. That's how uncouth Mel became; he reached cartoonish levels of trashiness.

Two: He gave his racist "The Jews run everything, grr" and his misogynistic "Sugar-tits" routines to police officers, in a police station, where he was in police custody. How do I put this? You could pour whiskey down my fat throat for two full days, only stopping to reanimate my corpse, and I would never be drunk enough to call a cop "sugar-tits" and accuse a cop of being "a Jew, and the Jews run everything," especially when I'm cuffed in a police station ... and when I'm one of the most famous and recognizable people in the world.

The audacity of doing that requires a person's cheese to have slipped right off their cracker. No amount of booze or drugs can develop the balls to treat police like shit in their own station while they have you chained up. Add the fact that he must know anything he says will be all over the internet in mere hours, and that's the kind of crazy you need Anthony Hopkins to play.

And in short response to some alternative choices for this debate: sorry good viewers who suggested the Kardashians, Lindsay Lohan, and Nicki Minaj, those choices don't hold a candle. The Kardashians? Hey, do you make fun of zoo animals, too? That's unfair. Lindsay Lohan? Not crazy, cocaine is just a hell of a drug. Nicki Minaj...Forgive me, but who the hell is that?

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