No Right Explanation

No Right Explanation
Spider-Man 3 Caused WWII

Firefilm | 17 Sep 2012 12:00
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Kyle: To answer a few: Spider-Man 3 is a ludicrous piece of crap with a billion things wrong with it, but it's still a competent attempt at taking a goofy comic book from the 60s and making it a palatable movie for literally as many different demographics as possible.

Alien 3 takes a lot of shit because it isn't Aliens. There's nothing unforgivably wrong with it. It's just a slow-moving, darkly lit, mediocre melodrama. Like fifty other movies that came out that year.

X-Men: The Last Stand is a bloated mess. But it has redeeming qualities. Sorry to tell you, this is what happens when you, the audience, expect a larger sequence than the Liberty Island sequence. You get a big bloated mess. So, sorry you didn't like it. It's not the abortion-on-film that people make it out to be.

Moving on to the subject at hand. Matrix: Revolutions blows. It's an overblown spectacle with no substance at all. At least POTC: At World's End wraps up the Orlando Bloom/Keira Knightly romance plot, it wraps up the Davey Jones thing, and it ends the big conflict between pirates and the law. Is it a good movie? Absolutely not. Is it worse than that CGI-infested pile of unnecessary metaphor? Not by a long shot.

Matrix 3 comes off as so infantile. It's as if a twelve-year-old was present during the Warner Bros. board meeting that resulted in a green lit production.

Executive: Blaine, what do you think should be in this Matrix movie?

12-year-old: I think Agent Smith and Neo should have a big Dragonball Z battle that destroys a city! Then Neo fights like an entire army of Smiths! Then Morpheus gets in a big mech warrior suit and fires machine guns at flying robots for like FORTY MINUTES! Then Neo starts to see everything as fire, and Morpheus ROARS up at the sky, and then the robots show fear, cuz they're cowards! Then Trinity dies because
she flies the ship real fast, and Neo gets all pissed and starts fighting in SUPER SLOW MOTION! And the whole time you should have a big drum orchestra going boom-BOOM-boom-boom-BOOM...sfosikjdkgjsndgjsndfsn!!!!!!

At very least, Pirates 3 made a big spectacle in their own style. The sword fighting was over the top and cheesy in a gleeful way, the boat combat was loud and frenetic, but they never lost track of the basic plot just to spend fifteen minutes showing me something that they pulled from a video game from 1996.

Also, Matrix 3 completely abandons the plot and motif of the original. The Matrix was about man vs. machine, sure. But it was more about man vs. himself. Neo had to free his mind in order to survive his new life as a resistance fighter. Morpheus risks everyone's lives and the location of Zion because of his beliefs. Cypher betrays his entire species and sacrifices his own freedom for the illusion of comfort. It says so much about us as people that you forget it's just a silly movie about fighting computers in a VR world.

Revolutions, meanwhile, is about LOOK-AT-THE-FREAKING-ROBOTS! MECH-SUITS! BIG FIGHT SCENE! ER MAH GERD! Any semblance of subtlety is abandoned. Neo is Jesus, Blind Justice, Goku, Buddha, whatever. Morpheus is Moses, Sgt. York, Achilles, whatever. It's all sloppy and patronizing.

Meanwhile At World's End fails to make a compelling flick, but at least you still have the proverbial Chaotic Neutral of Jack Sparrow, the young pretty people in love, and the whole freedom-versus-faceless-authority motif that all survive from the first movie.

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