No Right Explanation

No Right Explanation
Spider-Man 3 Caused WWII

Firefilm | 17 Sep 2012 16:00
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Dan: I had the pleasure of watching the entire Indy series yesterday with my son as I cleaned the house. He was not so much watching with me as trying in vain to learn how to walk, but the point remains that they were on the TV. Yes, they played the forth movie as well, but like a good father I changed the channel, thus shielding my progeny from any mental scarring. Why is this trilogy the only one recallable that has a third film that transcends the first two? Was it the magic that is Sean Connery? Hard to say. Perhaps that will be a debate for another day, but for now we focus on terrible trilogy endings.

The interesting thing about third installments is that they have to be measured two different ways in terms of quality. The first being how they stack up against their two older brothers, and the second being how well they stand on their own as a film. Take Spider-Man 3, for example, a fan write-in winner on what option we should have chosen. Sure it has stupid dancing, villains that get too much and not enough screen time respectively, and plot holes larger than the gaping void that used to house Kirsten Dunst's acting talent. What really drives the steak through the heart is that Spider-Man 2 was arguably better than the first, making the inequality of quality that much more apparent. Basically what I am saying is maybe Spider-Man 3 would seem better had Spider-Man 2 not rocked so hard.

Anyways, on to the points. Chris got no love for his "I hate boats" argument, but Kyle snagged the first digit for the overuse of CG tirade. True, the first two Matrix movies had CG in them, but it was mixed with wire work, camera tricks and general choreography oozing out the bum of every actor. The third one has this stupid computer game where Neo fights Smith while Smith watches and everyone is Smith and...it's just dumb. Have Keanu Reeves actually punch Hugo Weaving in the face, and you will put my butt back in the theater seat.

Kyle, being on a roll that he was on, got the second point for the religion symbolism anvil that the movie dropped on all our heads argument. I still don't know what happened at the end, when Smith absorbed Neo and then Neo was dead. Think about this for a moment: If you die when Smith overwrites you, and Smith overwrote everyone in the Matrix, does that mean every human was killed? If not, why did Neo die? If you just say that Neo was future robot Jesus and had to die for us to live, then you are dumb, and the movie was dumb.

Chris entered the fight with the nosedive out of realism and into fantasy that the Pirates movies made. Yes, the first one has skeleton pirates due to an Aztec curse, but it seemed like the rest of the world was on Earth and our Earth in particular. You know, the one that's round and everything? In the third film, we find that we've been in another world, a flat one that dumps you into a weird rockcrab white sand neitherworld if you fall off the side. That was such a bad decision; it ruined all movies that came before it. Kinda ranks up there with midichlorians.

Boy howdy, Kyle had his big boy pants on, getting his third point with the distance from science that the Matrix films went with each successive installment. Everyone was writing papers after the first film came out, diving into the notion that if you were hooked to a computer that told your brain that you were at a Denny's, how would you know that was a lie? Then the second film came out, and people were falling over each other in awe at the idea that getting out of the matrix and being the One was just another level of control. Third movie, we get nothing. A fistfight in a rainstorm and it's over. No explanation as to why anything was anything, science took a back seat to two bros having a punching contest. We all lost on that one.

Chris got his second point with the magical phrase, "Where's my paycheck?" That was basically the mentality of all the actors in the third Pirates film, whereas at least the peeps in the Matrix were working hard. The work was terrible and pointless, but the effort was noticeable. Pirates showed everyone mugging to the camera as if to say, "Hey, remember when these characters were cool and hip?" No one really brought anything new to the table, and barely brought anything old.

Though ultimately useless with the crowd decidedly siding with Kyle, Chris tied up the final score with how each film ended their respective series. Matrix 3 might have ended with most of the main cast dead, but at least you felt that the war was over, those who wanted to be dirty cave people would get the chance, and the films had a purpose. The Pirates third voyage got us nothing but the two most boring characters getting married, and the girl having to raise their child alone, only seeing her love every ten years for a single day. That's not only profoundly depressing, but it makes everything that happened in the last three films pointless. Who cares if they ended up together, they don't get to see each other, save for the six days they get over the lifespan of the girl. Six days doesn't really seem worth it over the course of 60 years.

Hope you all got the urge to go watch the third Indy film, cause it is like a fine port wine; It gets better with age, and goes with any occasion.

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