No Right Explanation

No Right Explanation
Put the Cookie Down!

Firefilm | 8 Oct 2012 16:00
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Last week, the guys discussed who was the best action hero, and this week continue the discussion for your reading enjoyment.

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Chris: Who would like to know a little secret about how a No Right Answer episode gets formed? Sometimes, we listen very closely to the comments people leave, having been inspired to do a particular debate. Sometimes we anticipate a debate that we feel will be rather popular or entertaining. And sometimes one of us just wants to do an Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation on camera. I'll let you guess which one of those three debate kernels inspired last week's episode.

I was rather happy that Arnold walked away with more than a few supporters, seeing as how that's what I intended to see in the first place since, impressions aside, I do believe that Arnold is the quintessential action hero for now and ever more. But good ol' Bruce Willis had more than his share of backers, even though he's only really been in four really high-profile action movies that we all know and love, those being the Die Hard movies. Sure, I could have seen Dan arguing in favor of Willis pretty well, but I don't think he could have stood up against an onslaught of Schwarzenegger any better than the English language.

I saw another popular choice emerge in the form of the Italian Stallion himself, Sylvester Stallone. Now that's some real action hero stuff right there. Could Rambo destroy a T-800? Ooh, I don't know, but I'd love to see that play out. Heck, even Rocky Balboa is somewhat of an action hero if you think about it, insomuch as every solution can be resolved by "punch someone harder." Stallone and Schwarzenegger were built for action, but I still give the winning medal to Arnold because he's done comedies and family movies that were well received or at least enjoyed to this day as an odd duck. Why does this make him a better action hero? Because these roles accentuate how much action is in his typical movies. Arnold looks more powerful in Predator partly because he looks so silly in Jingle All The Way. Basically, he's able to laugh at himself, which means he's so cool you can't even hurt his feelings. Stick and stones can't break his bones, and neither can words, apparently.

Of all the choices that commenters came up with that I could seriously see myself switching sides for, it'd be Jackie Chan. Mmm, I do love me some Jackie Chan. The two Drunken Master movies are gold and his more American movies like Rush Hour or Shanghai Noon are brilliant in how much fun they can be while Chan demonstrates how much ass he can kick, which unsurprisingly is a lot. Could Jet Li outdo Jackie? Well, that's a tough call. I'd be splitting hairs a bit, but I have to make a distinction and say that Li, Chan, or even Bruce Lee himself aren't necessarily "action heroes" as we've defined them but rather "martial arts heroes." Stallone, Willis, or Schwarzenegger are more likely to shoot you with a gun, missile, or car than go one-on-one in an elaborate fight scene, whereas Li, Lee, or Chan will have kicked you more times than you can count before you can pull up your sidearm. Therefore, martial arts masters they may be, but they don't qualify here.

Guess we'll have to do a different debate for them another time...

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Kyle: Hi, my name is Kyle, and I got married this week. I'm on a cruise ship smooching my lady and attending the midnight chocolate buffet. Deal with it. Naw, just kidding about that last part, but I'll be missing out on my usual contribution this week. Incidentally, check out Media Sandwich this week, where Dan fills in for me and waxes poetic about The Rocketeer!

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