Too nervous to think clearly, you speak words you know to be wrong. Suddenly, the room seems larger than it was before, and you're sure that your face is much closer to the floor than it was a moment ago. And why are there suddenly sloths everywhere? You lift your hand to your face. It takes much longer than it should to get there. Oh my, you seem to be a sloth as well.

In doesn't take an archmage to figure out what happened here. You've turned yourself and the others into sloths. Without the power of speech, undoing this seems to be somewhat impossible. You suppose there's not much to do but make the best of things.

A few weeks later, you and the Cleanshaven watch from a nearby tree as zombies rise from the ground and decimate the townsfolk. How in Oblivion did that happen? Perhaps this was all part of that destiny you were chasing. Oh well, zombies aren't much interested in sloths.

You and the Cleanshaven eventually settle into an oligarchic society with a leaf-driven economy. You meet a nice sloth girl, whom you're fairly certain was never one of the dirty men you once turned into a sloth. She bears you exactly one child, whom you name Hyacinth. Years later, your daughter amasses enough choice leafs to stage a non-violent coup and take over the tribe. You've never felt prouder.


Mike Kayatta is a contributing news writer for The Escapist and the author of John Gone. Paul Goodman is a loyal editorial assistant at The Escapist. Together, they fight crime.

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