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McArthur Blankenship | 26 Aug 2009 21:00
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Mountain Dew Game Fuel Crushes Cancer

Scientists researching cures for cancer have discovered that the active ingredient in Mountain Dew Game Fuel, Betahippozanzamine, has properties that help fight cancer, even in the late stages of the disease.

Doctors administering the treatment say the chemical infuses white blood cells with a power-armor like shell; this gives the cells the ability to crush cancer as if they were a Spartan space marine. The treatment has been dubbed an 'Extreme cure for an extreme disease' by advertising executives at Pepsi who are eager to market Mountain Dew as an alternative to chemotherapy.

One relative of a patient in the clinical trials of the cure said, "In grandpa's case it seems to be working great. He's got a lot more energy and is generally more active, but the downside is that he keeps calling me a fag and tea-bagging me in my sleep."

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