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Reliable Source: Sex, Drugs and PETA

Marion Cox | 11 Nov 2009 21:00
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What games are you playing these days?
-Monshroud

I won't lie, last week I spent a great deal of time playing Dragon Age; maybe too much time, in fact. Originally, I was going to write about how I escaped from a terrorist training camp on the border of Afghanistan by teaching the terrorists how to love America and Scribblenauts. But you won't be reading any of that adventure-filled tale thanks to a friend who, knowing my weakness for multiple choice dialog trees, bought me BioWare's RPG Dragon Age. So I blame him for getting me addicted to this game, and for making me fall in love.

Let me explain: If you're man, you're probably like me and have a habit of picking a female character without giving too much consideration to the consequences. General consensus amongst men is that if you're staring at someone's backside for 90 percent of the game, it might as well be a sexy back. (You may thank me for not making a Justin Timberlake reference here.) Even inferring that sex was a big part of Dragon Age from watching the commercials, I continued down this disastrous path. If press releases were to be believed, I suspected that I would eventually be able to "get it on" in a ménage-a-trois with the game's two female leads, and perhaps a goat, all while listening to Marilyn Manson. But the truth became much more apparent as I played the game.

This is no sex simulator disguised as an RPG! And even though I was suitably outraged, I started to find myself more and more enraptured with the interactions between my buxom elfin archer and Alistair, the goofy cornball knight. He is one of those characters that it's hard not to like, and I started to find myself hoping that he would get the girl. Woe unto me when I realized that the girl was me! And, even though I was aware of this, I found myself hoping that he'd pull me close and make me forget all about the Darkspawn, the regular betrayals and endless collection quests. Oh, Alistair! I know it's not meant to be, but don't leave me; tell me everything is going to be alright!

But not everything is alright. The game is nearly over, and I've been so enraptured by my relationship with Alistair that I've somehow overlooked my main mission to convince my female traveling companions to have a lesbian three-way. I take solace in knowing that BioWare has just released a toolset, and I expect it'll be a week before someone creates a Dragon Age orgy mod. God bless you, good sirs.

I feel funny, like that time when Logan Westbrook got drunk and massaged my thigh, telling me what a good friend I was before passing out on the barroom floor. Therefore, I will balance these strange feelings by spending the entirety of next week on Xbox Live, reaffirming my masculinity in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 through the creative use of pejoratives and questioning of the sexual orientation of particularly terrible players.

Read on for news about Peter Molyneux's new job, 8-bit bankruptcy, and PETA's potential push into gaming.

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