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Reliable Source: LOL, Your DPS Is Fail

Marion Cox | 16 Jan 2010 14:00
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We sat in vaguely comfortable silence for a few hours until I had all the screaming children I could take. I asked my companion whether he'd like a drink, he agreed and twenty minutes later he was explaining the politics of his World of Warcraft guild to me.

"Okay, there's three main tanks, and six main healers but two of them are resto druids and we all know they're kind of fail," he explained.

"That sounds difficult," I intoned, sagely.

"You don't know the half of it," he took a swig from Mr. Flask. "Darwinius-- that's our main tank who's been playing since beta, he just spazzed out over a loot drop in the Citadel and totally wiped the raid."

"He wiped the raid?" My attention more focused on getting back Mr. Flask, but I liked the image his statement gave me. He spread insect poison across a surface with a paper towel? Interesting tactic. I made a mental note to attempt it on the roach problem I had back home. The thought made me incredibly thirsty.

I held my hand open towards Mr. Flask casually as if to say, "It's my turn." But his attention was focused elsewhere.

"Yea and that made Lazy - his name's Lazyskillz and he's one of our best healbots - quit and join Darkhearts." He took another drink and I began to grow concerned whether I'd have enough alcohol to make it back to Illinois. As it was, I'd have to conserve just to be buzzed the whole way home.

I said, "Hey, about the booze," before he cut me off.

"Then Lazy went into trade chat and started calling us noobs and telling lies about our DKP system only giving loots to officers," he said and took another long draught from the flask.

Now, I really didn't care what he was saying. My keen senses had told me that the gin was nearly gone and I was going to have to spend the rest of the trip sober. This was not going to happen. I reached for the flask less politely. His hand retracted and he continued talking about WoW.

"So Bubbles, that's a ret pally named Bubbledin that joined the guild last month, he asks in guild chat if the DKP system is rigged and people start getting angry about the DKP and then people started calling each other names." He continued to guard the flask despite my swift grabbing motions.

"Then Felsina - that's our mage - told Bubbles that she'd been cybering with Lazy, and GC was full agro until Bubbles ragequit and took our best DPSers with him." He finished the remaining contents of the flask.

"Will you stop vomiting up acronyms for one goddamned minute and give me back Mr. Flask?"


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