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Reliable Source: LOL, Your DPS Is Fail

Marion Cox | 16 Jan 2010 14:00
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He looked shocked. Trying to contain my anger, I motioned for the flask with an open palm. He tossed the flask into my lap and missed, hitting the floor. Perhaps it was seeing one of my prized possessions tossed aside so casually, the ricetarded lingo or the fact that I now had to remain sober for the rest of the trip. Perhaps his neglect was innocent, but something inside me snapped.

The next thing that happened surprised even me. I slapped his face the way a woman in a black and white movie would slap a man who had whispered some dirty suggestion in her ear. The result was a satisfying smack that left both of us stunned.

He countered with a very short range punch to my chest. If you've never fought with someone you're sitting next to you like I have, say on an airplane or in church, let me just say that the experience might be best characterized as awkward. This meant that he was much too close for a punch to be effective.

"Lol, your DPS sucks," his lips flapped meaninglessly.

I grabbed his skinny throat and squeezed. "I told you to stop talking!"

His eyes were still mocking me as I nearly strangled him. The bus stopped and I was vaguely aware that people were looking at us. I relaxed my grip, which proved to be my downfall, as the booze hog smacked me in the head with his laptop. I stood up to avoid another hit but lost balance and fell hard onto my side.

Landing in the aisle I felt something jutting into my stomach. I reached into the pocket to discover something wet. I removed my hand and found a red liquid. Was I dying? How had I come to such an end? The toothless woman screamed, "Blood!"

It sure didn't have the consistency of blood - I tasted it. It was the ketchup I'd purloined from the diner earlier that day. I tried to make an assuring smile to my audience, when I made a huge mistake. I removed the pilfered knife and held it up as I was explaining what had happened, "It's just..." The same woman cut me off, "He's got a knife! Terrorist!"

Faster than you could say "Al-Qaeda" I was wrestled to the floor by four college-bound students. Despite my assertions to the contrary, they called me "towel-head" and "jihadist" until the Nebraska State Troopers were able to sort the mess out, and by sorting it out I mean that they threw me in jail.

I, of course, missed the bus and have yet another reason not to play WoW.

Marion Cox has a free subscription to the latest prison MMO and has lots of time to level his shank skills.

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