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Reliable Source: Evil Activision and Xbox Love

Marion Cox | 8 May 2010 14:00
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Back in April, I received a tip from someone who claimed to have inside information about what happened on the day that Bobby Kotick came down to Infinity Ward's offices to "diffuse" the situation between Activision and its golden developer, Infinity Ward.

According to the source, one Mr. CODwhistleblower, it turns out that Kotick was on a quest to track down and destroy anyone who he felt might be disloyal to the company. Whistleblower had escaped the Infinity Ward office through sheer courage, strength of will, and an unwitting Hispanic employee who pushed him to safety on a cleaning cart.

I suspected that he'd been killed, or that he moved to Canada - the former being the lesser of two evils, according to my dad. Well, it turns out CODwhistlebower wasn't dead at all; he sent me another email detailing a deep conspiracy surrounding the Bungie /Activision publishing deal.

I am not sure that I buy it, but if I had a second, I would probably follow up just for shits and giggles. But I don't have a second. You see, since I met a woman on Xbox Live, I haven't had much time to do anything else.

Her name's Jessica and she is amazing. She's 31, has a degree in English and, if her XBL avatar is anything to go by, she's smoking hot.

I know what you're thinking: Jessica is actually a dude. I was a little hesitant at first , but I've heard her voice and I'm convinced that there aren't many prepubescent teenagers with a college level education and an interest in Vishal-Shekhar.

Even more surprising than meeting a well-adjusted human being on XBL, Crackdown is actually pretty fun. Jess and I have been playing it every day over the past week and it doesn't seem like we're going to be done with the game anytime soon; not bad for $15 out of the used bin.

Jessica works for her parents. Sometimes she sneaks away in the middle of the day to collect power-up orbs and climb around the city and kick bad guys into orbit. Right now, I am waiting for her to get back from running errands, which should be any minute now. So I'll copy/paste CODwhistleblower's email and go shave. Since I met Jessica, I haven't had much time for personal hygiene. My dad started calling me Omar Bin Laden - I don't know who that is, but Dad swears he's related to the current president.

Dear Marion,

Thanks for publishing my story about Activision's horrific raid on Infinity Ward last month. Because of that article, I have gained the support of several new followers on twitter. There is no doubt in my mind that if they were to assassinate me now, the uproar from my supporters would be enough to bring Activision to its knees.

And because of my sudden internet celebrity as an anti-Activision activist, I thought I might provide your readers with a unique perspective on something that concerns me: the publishing deal between Activision and Bungie. If that's something you think your readers are interested in send me an email and I'll send you this manifesto that I've been working on.

Thanks again Marion,

CODwhistleblower.

I wrote back to him, asking him to write in as much detail as he could - I am paid by the word. So while Jessica and I were using cars as a ball in a demented game of soccer, this column wrote itself - or, rather, was written by some nut-job with no journalistic credentials and only a tenuous grasp on reality.

Mr. Marion Cox,

Thanks for your interest in my thoughts on the Activision/Bungie merger. Actually, most of our studio knew about the possibility of Activision's deal with Bungie back in August of last year. Kotick had dropped by to do his weekly firings and made a speech saying how that when Bungie was on board he would replace the "pathetic" Modern Warfare development team with programmers that had worked on Halo 3.

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