Shamus Plays

Shamus Plays: LOTRO, Part 11

Shamus Young | 31 Mar 2010 13:00
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The Green Dragon isn't far, but getting it there turns out to be quite a challenge. Just like nosy Hobbits camp the arteries of mail delivery and obstruct the delivery of the mail they seem to want so bad, hungry Hobbits encircle the Green Dragon and prevent the speedy delivery of food. If I could make it through their defensive perimeter I could drop the pie off, and then they could go and buy some of it.

But I can't take the roads, so I have to take the non-roads. This means stumbling through ditches, pushing through hedges, and running through flowery fields. This causes me to accumulate a goodly bit of pollen and leaves and thorns and grass. By the time I arrive, the pie looks like a salad.

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I have to enter town by going up the hill and over the roof of the Green Dragon. (Remember that Hobbit-holes are built into hillsides.) I drop down on the other side, landing directly in front of Gerd Whitfoot. Brushing the worst of the weeds off of the crust, I present him with his fresh, hot, and un-smelled pie.

He complains about the pie seeming off, but I didn't bake it so I don't care. I return to Holly for further work.

Her next delivery is to the party field, just on the other side of the river and up the hill. Once again, I'm obliged to keep the pie away from hungry Hobbits. This is made slightly challenging by...

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The game developers basically have a hungry Hobbit camping the choke point to cross the river. This particular Hobbit wanders around, but spends a lot of time right here at the end of the bridge. Since you can't swim with the pie, this basically blocks you. There's another bridge a ways downstream, although sometimes the timer (yes, these missions are timed) or the mob-infested woods makes that bridge a bit dicey.

After the release of Half-Life 2: Episode 2, Valve released a heat map of all the levels in the game, giving a visual representation of where the player-death hotspots on the map were. I'd love to see a "profanity heat map" of LOTRO that used your microphone to figure out where people did the most swearing. I'm willing to bet the other side of this little bridge is a great place for f-bombs. These pie delivery missions will take you over this bridge at least four times. (That is, you'll carry four pies over it, I'm sure you'll actually cross it more times than that.) Most of the time you'll be approaching from the other side and stop halfway over as this devil-spawn hungry Hobbit shuffles into place and then refuses to leave while your precious timer ticks away.

The kicker? This Hobbit guarding the bridge is standing right next to Holly's house. This woman would spend every waking moment smelling pies.

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