Shamus Plays

Shamus Plays: Champions Online, Part 1

Shamus Young | 14 Jul 2010 13:00
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If you're one of the millions of people who now see my Let's Play series as your only reason to live and you were thinking of killing yourself now that Lulzy's grand adventures in Lord of the Rings Online have staggered to an end, then I am about to save your life. This series is a repeat, but odds are that you haven't read it before, which is the same thing as being new except it's old. And if you did read it before...? Eh. Read it anyway. It's less labor-intensive than suicide.

Note that this is talking about Champions Online as it existed about six months ago, so don't start complaining about how out-of-date my whining is, because bellyaching is for losers. And you're not a loser, are you? Aside from that whole suicide thing, I mean.

Also note that through the magic of editing the spelling and grammatical errors that appeared in the original series will all be replaced with new and different spelling and grammatical errors in order to keep things fresh and new.

Ready?

Too bad, we're starting anyway.

First off, I decide to create the quintessential silver-age superhero. Not one of these brooding black-caped, spike-covered, angst-ridden antiheroes like all the young people are into these days. I want someone wearing classic tights and using classic iconography. But not, you know, operating under the same silver-age idealism and respect for all life. Heavens no. I'm going to have the same approach to fighting crime as The Punisher. I'll just be wearing stretchy clothing and a brave smile when I do my vigilante-style killing.

I go for a quick run-through of the character building options and am able to craft my avatar in just under a fortnight, which is a new record for me.

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ME: Let's see... does the nose look more heroic at 10% width or maybe a little closer to 14.5% width?
MY WIFE: Are you still staring at that man?

In keeping with his silver-age design, he's got a chin that falls somewhere between "Jay Leno" and "bulldozer." His suit is bright and colorful, and he's ripped like Hercules.

Thus begins the journey of Star on Chest. His Bio:

Star on Chest is becoming the premiere celebrity crimefighter of Millennium City and is the author of "An Awesome Being on Being Awesome, the Story of Star on Chest." He appeared in People magazine's "Top 50 best-looking superheroes of 2007," and was a guest judge on ABC's "Dancing with the Superheroes." He's the exclusive spokeshero for Altmier's Brand Zesty Hot Sauce and for State Trust Auto Insurance.

For product endorsements, public appearances, or crime fighting, please contact Champion Media Worldwide and ask to speak with his agent.

A personal message from Star on Chest: "I'll be appearing at the grand opening of the Northwood Center Mall this weekend. Stop on by to see your favorite star-based hero in person! Autographed photos just $20! Bring a friend!"

Champions Online doesn't have catchphrases, but if it did his would be, "Don't you KNOW who I AM?!?"

No, wait. It won't let me use that bio because it's too long. Apparently the biography system is powered by Twitter. I whittle it down, but then it complains that I have profanity. After much confusion I discover it was the phrase "hero in" that was setting it off, which it was evaluating as "heroin". The content filter was worried I was promoting the use of dangerous narcotic drugs.

Dear Young People: Heroin can reduce you to a puking husk of a glassy-eyed junkie prostitute. Eventually you'll find yourself haggling over the price of sex because you don't have change for a five. Please do not try heroin unless your life is already worse than that.

There. That should keep the kids safe.

Anyway, I revise the bio for brevity and remove the words "hero in" so as to avoid corrupting our impressionable youth with pro-heroin propaganda.

Eventually I summon all of my strength, all of my willpower, and boldly click the start button to begin the game.

Man, I should have gone with 10% width on the nose.

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You know all those anthills you stomped on as a kid? Well, payback is a bitch.

The city is in chaos. It's being invaded by bug aliens known as Qualar or Quaa'lar or Qua'lor or some such piffle. Aliens run rampant through the streets and the police are fending off never-ending waves of bug man from behind hastily constructed barricades. Buildings have been smashed. Fires burn. The dead litter the sidewalks. The coffee shops are all closed.

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Oh, now I'm going to have that 80's song stuck in my head all day. Thank you so much, game.

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