Shamus Plays

Shamus Plays
Shamus Plays WoW #13: Crime and Punishment

Shamus Young | 19 Jan 2011 13:00
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"Did you find any evidence?"

"The kids stole all the evidence."

"I mean about this murder."

"Uh. Some of the hobos were screaming about Gnolls and Murlocs?"

"Gnolls and Murlocs? Horse poopy, pal! Gnolls and Murlocs didn't kill these people. I've seen what Gnolls and Murlocs do to people that they kill and this ... isn't it. Too pretty. Too ... perfect."

"Perfect? It looks like they were ran over by their own cart. Anyway, that's all the bums had to say."

"This is murder, plain and simple and we're gonna get to the bottom if it... "

"Maybe they were killed when they asked a perfectly innocent question to one of these murderous, bloodthirsty vagrants?"

"I need you to head out to the Longshore, west of here, on the coast, and shake up some Murlocs. Try to find a clue or some info that can help shed some light on the murders."

"Er ... what? You said yourself that Murlocs didn't do this. You're saying you know the Murlocs are innocent and you want me to kill a bunch of them anyway?"

"Gnolls, too."

The next time some teacher or librarian gets all high and mighty about the importance of literacy, remind them that only literate people have to worry about reading quests like this one. Illiterate people can run around happy and carefree, killing Murlocs and Gnolls without worry or guilt. Literate people are tormented with this absurdity and end up doing drugs to try and make sense of it all.

My advice? Don't learn to read. If you already know, try to forget as fast as you can.

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So we go out and kill a big pile of innocent Gnolls and Murlocs. They don't have any information related to the case, but once we're sick of butchering them Norman gathers up some scraps of random stuff and calls it evidence. We get back to Horatio and Norman gives him the stuff he found - a torn piece of paper and a bit of cloth.

The detective takes the litter, "Is this some kind of joke, rookie? Because I'm not laughing."

Norman shakes his head, "No. Your investigation is enough of a joke for us, thanks."

"Looks like we got ourselves a real 'whodunit' here, rookie. Unfortunately it looks like the locals aren't willing to talk and the clues you got off the Gnolls and Murlocs are damn near worthless."

Norman rubs his temples, "That's because the guys you sent me to kill weren't suspects. Look, are you really a detective?"

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"We're going to have to initiate plan... be on the lookout for Two-Shoed Lou. Two-Shoed Lou is a coincidental informant of mine who, ironically, makes his home at the Furlbrow's old pumpkin farm. Head over to the farm and find out what Lou knows."

Horatio sends us to a farm house where Two-Shoed Lou, his informant, is waiting. So we head over there.

"You okay boss?" I ask on the way.

"I guess so," he says. "Why?"

"You seem ... grouchy."

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"Yeah, I guess I thought it would be different here. I thought maybe now that we've left Elwynn Forest things would stop being so nuts. But Horatio seems just like Dughan. We're doing his job, and his job doesn't even make any sense."

"Look boss, this is perfectly normal and healthy. You're seeing the world clearly for the first time. That always upsets people."

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