Shoot Club

Shoot Club: Shot Club, Part Two

Tom Chick | 9 Aug 2007 21:00
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"SWAT 4?"

"Police procedural porn. Suspect restraining porn. Pepper spray porn."

"What's Stalker?"

"Stalker isn't porn. Neither is Oblivion."

"So all first person shooters except Stalker are porn?"

"Stalker is just a really good free-form post-apocalyptic shooter-slash-RPG, but without character stats. From now on, it will be its own sub-genre and we'll refer to other games like it as 'Stalker clones'. At some point, the sub-genre might achieve critical mass and we'll give it its own name, as happened with stealth games, action RTSs, and tactical shooters."

"I don't think porn means what you think it means."

"Plenty of RTSs are porn. Dawn of War is Warhammer 40k porn. Company of Heroes is World War II porn. Age of Empires III is history porn."

"You're just making all this up. Porn doesn't mean what you think it means. Can you have porn porn?"

"Are you guys talking about porn?" Peter asked, having just beaten everyone at C&C3. By buying the game and playing online, he had moved himself into a whole different skill bracket from the rest of us. He had perfected some sort of optimized strategy, where you play as Nod and make tons of Scorpion Tanks and Buggies. He was on the verge of killing C&C3 for us. We were going to have to not let him play if we still wanted to enjoy the game.

"I was wondering if you can have porn porn?" Trevor told him.

"That sounds like something Japanese," Peter said. "Like you'd see it on a vending machine in Tokyo in big pink letters. Porn porn."

"Porn is by its very nature porn," I explained. "It emphasizes sex to the exclusion of everything else. By the way, calling something porn isn't necessarily a bad thing. Some games that focus on one thing in true porn fashion are still awesome. Dead Rising is zombie porn, and that's why it's so good."

"I still don't think porn means what you think it means," Trevor said.

"Look it up."

"You look it up," he countered.

We looked it up. The definition of porn was 'pornography'. So we looked up pornography. It said something about sexually explicit images or writing. Which either shot down my argument or gave me plenty of leeway, depending on how you looked at it. Then we looked up fetishistic, because I kept using the word and they were making fun of me. Then we veered off to see if 'fuck' was in this dictionary. It wasn't. So we went online and found that 'fuck' was in dictionary.com, and there wasn't even an age gate, although you had to register if you wanted to hear the word pronounced out loud, which we did, and it was funny. Then we made Peter play GRAW 1, telling him it was GRAW 2, while we all played C&C3. And that was the last Shoot Club before Trevor showed up with that pistol.

To be continued...

***

Tom Chick has been writing about videogames for fifteen years. His work appears in Games for Windows Magazine, Yahoo, Gamespy, Sci-Fi, and Variety. He lives in Los Angeles. Shoot Club appears in this space every Thursday.

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