Shoot Club

Shoot Club: The BioShock Spoilers

Tom Chick | 6 Sep 2007 21:00
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It's just as hard to stay in sync with games. Some guys plow straight through starting the day a game is released. But some guys have jobs, wives, or a predilection for World of Warcraft. Some guys like Mike just take a long time because they're not very good.

And then some of us have to play other games for assignments. That's my problem. Everyone's going on about how wonderful BioShock is - fucking wonderful wonderful BioShock - and I've got to review Two Worlds and Blue Dragon. As a freelancer, that's my lot. My editors get the choice games and I get Two Worlds and Blue Dragon.

I should spoil Two Worlds and Blue Dragon for those guys. At this point, I'm pissed enough to do it.

"In Blue Dragon, Marumaro ends up joining your party," I blurt out, frustrated and blindly seeking vengeance. I don't care whose Blue Dragon experience I spoil at this point.
"What's Blue Dragon?" Douglas asks.
"I think it's some faggy JRPG," Trevor says.
"Yeah, and Marumaro turns out to be an ally," I reiterate. "What do you think of that?"
"So, like, that's a spoiler?" Douglas asks.
"Yep."
"But we're never going to play that game," Trevor says. "Is it possible to spoil a game someone's not going to play?"
"Is he, like, your father or something?," Douglas suggests. "Or is he maybe you? That would be a spoiler."
Now to spoil Two Worlds for them. "In Two Worlds...well, my horse got stuck, so I'm in the middle of nowhere. It's a long walk. At this point, there's not much there I can spoil."
"What's Two Worlds? Is that another faggy JRPG?"
"It's a faggy Euro-RPG."
"Why is it called Two Worlds? Maybe if you told us that it would spoil it."
"I don't know. I only know about one of the worlds at this point. It's called Antaloor."
"Antaloor?"
"Antaloor. That's the name of the game world."
"Man, that's just, I don't know. I guess Cyrodiil is pretty silly, too."
"Cyrodiil with two I's."
"Right. But still, Antaloor. Sounds like a kind of an aardvark. Or something you'd fight in a JRPG."
"There are poo snakes in Blue Dragon," I offer.
"Poo snakes?"
"Yeah. You fight them. They drop poo, which has treasure in it. Actually, lots of monsters drop poo."
"Sounds like Black & White. That's the last game I remember with poo."
"So, have you forgotten yet? What we said about Atlas?" Trevor asks. Douglas is trying not to giggle. I bet those guys planned this.
"If you'd quit fucking mentioning it, maybe I would."
"Don't forget the other thing. Try to forget about that, too."
"The moonbase?"
"Yeah, try to forget the moonbase too."

So now I'm finally getting around to playing BioShock, but I already know that Atlas is a vampire. Hopefully, like knowing that Anna Karenina throws herself under a train, it won't spoil the experience getting to that point. Sorry if I spoiled it for you, too. Also, sorry to give away that Marumaro joins your party in Blue Dragon, but unlike the moonbase in BioShock, you can see that one coming.

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Tom Chick has been writing about videogames for fifteen years. His work appears in Games for Windows Magazine, Yahoo, Gamespy, Sci-Fi, and Variety. He lives in Los Angeles. Shoot Club appears in this space every Thursday.

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