Shoot Club

Shoot Club: The Quake Wars Wars, Part Three

Tom Chick | 18 Oct 2007 21:00
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I sit back at my computer and find I've been killed. I'm not sure who shot me this time.

A few moments later Mike asks how to drop health packs.

But the game is still close since I can hear a civil war brewing in the other room. Jude is in an Icarus and Douglas is in the Tormentor, and Peter yells for them to come down and help.

"I am helping," Jude says. The Icarus is a jetpack with an unlimited supply of Stroybombs. It's like bunny hopping combined with grenade spamming, both turned up to eleven.

"Ha ha, I'm kicking your ass with Storybombs," Jude cackles from the other room.

"They're not Storybombs."

"What's a Storybomb?" Mike asks.

"It's an anecdote that doesn't go over well," Trevor says. "Hey, tell him your Garrison Keiller story."

I'm not about to tell anyone my Garrison Keillor story. I'm not about to relate how last summer Trevor and I were in line for Bourne Supremacy. We started talking to these two girls in line behind us. I was worried Trevor was going to start telling them about the corporation he just joined in Eve Online, so when one of them said she was from Wisconsin, I piped up with my story about how I met Garrison Keillor once. He was a total jerk and he kept hitting on this intern from the paper I was working for. The story ends with him asking me for a pen to write down his room number for the intern and I pretend I don't have a pen, even though I'm standing there holding a pad.

"That's terrible," the girl from Wisconsin said.

"Yeah, I know," I agreed.

"I don't know why you'd tell a story like that," she said. "Especially when he's not here to defend his honor."

Defend his honor? Were we in the antebellum South? She made it sound like gloves should be thrown onto the ground.

"My grandmother loved that show he did," she continued.

"Prairie Home Companion," I offered helpfully.

"She listened to it every week until the day she died."

Great. Horndog Garrison Keillor was hitting on a girl young enough to be his daughter and I was the jerk. Storybomb.

"They're not Storybombs, they're Stroybombs," I point out. "Can you retards not read?"

"I'm kicking your asses with Storybombs," Jude says, kicking our ass with them. It's pretty impossible to hit him. "Someone get the APC back at the base. It's got an anti-air gun."

"I'll do it," Mike says, disappearing for pretty much the rest of the match to wander the map looking for the base. We win, mainly because Peter has to sit out the last ten minutes, Douglas keeps flying around in the Tormentor, and Jude is hopping around in his Icarus even after the objective has moved indoors.

After winning the campaign, I figure it's time to play Quake Wars for real. We're going online.

"And we're bringing Mike," I add.

To be continued...


Tom Chick has been writing about videogames for fifteen years. His work appears in Games for Windows Magazine, Yahoo, Gamespy, Sci-Fi, and Variety. He lives in Los Angeles. Shoot Club appears in this space every Thursday.

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