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I've been watching Hollywood produce movies as if it were a child sitting in the corner, playing with a spoon.

Let's see. We can have SPOON. Spoon 2. Revenge of Spoon. Handle, Son of Spoon. Bowl, Daughter of Spoon. Spoon: 3D. Spoon Remastered.

Hey Hollywood, how about a story about fork?

No! Market research shows the public wants Spoon. We will give them Spoon. More Spoon. We can bring Mindy Kaling on board to write us a Spoon sequel. She writes them diversity stories. She will bring a fork along as a wacky sidekick.

Mindy Kaling, forgive me.

I get it. I get the desire to take beloved properties and refeed them to us, making our media as different as the Taco Bell menu. Sometimes it can work. The 1985 movie of Clue was clever and funny (especially as it had different endings for different regions. My region saw the one where Ms. Scarlet did it.) But Clue was a story - someone (obviously distinct characters with different personalities) commits a murder in a room (different rooms) with a weapon (very different weapons. Who ever heard of death by candlestick?). It's easy to make into a movie.

But now they're making a movie of Battleship. The game that had you put plastic boats of indeterminate nationality in hidden areas so that your friend can yell out B-12! And you can say, "You sank my battleship!" just like the commercial and you both laugh because that's how bad jokes were in the 80's when you weren't allowed to watch Richard Pryor. And they're not stopping with Battleship. To reference the aforementioned Ms. Kaling, she met with Hollywood folks to discuss writing a movie for them, and they decided that they wanted a movie based on the game Yahtzee. Yup. You read me right.

The thing about Battleship is they could have done a big budget, alien movie with tons of explosions and they would have done just fine. They didn't have to call it Battleship. I don't remember any aliens in Battleship. Admittedly, I may have liked it better if they had thrown some in. I can't imagine anyone going to see it just because it's called Battleship - in fact, I can imagine hardcore Battleship fans (do those exist?) being as disappointed at the addition of aliens as hardcore Watchmen fans were at the removal of aliens.

So if the world has gone mad and want only existing licenses, I would like to give my own proposal for a video game and movie tie-in, based on a book.

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