Escapist Editorials

Escapist Editorials
'Twas a Night of Great Gaming

John Funk | 24 Dec 2009 13:00
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(With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

'Twas a cold winter night in these hallowed halls,
Where we gamers were lounging (in chairs, or on balls).
The stockings were locked in a box for good measure,
In hopes that Nate Drake wouldn't take them as treasure.

We soon would be snug in our pony-themed beds,
Dreaming of plants fighting waves of undead.
With Alex's rainbow, and Cole all in drag,
We all settled in for some Killzone 2 frags.

When we heard a great noise, like an ultra Hadoken,
Or some pirates complaining their Batman was broken.
I tore to the window - was it a Left 4 Dead porno?
No, surely a stunt for Dante's Inferno!

To be sure, it was dark in the still of the night,
But I could still see by my PC's Torchlight.
When what, in the digital sky, should be rendered
But the Borderlands bus (with a Skag on its fender)!

With a metalhead driver, and thanks to his axe,
I knew it was Eddie - as played by Jack Black.
He tore through the sky with a thunderous noise
To bring brand new games to good girls and good boys.

"Now Blizzard, Now Capcom, now Valve and Konami!
On Sega, on Rockstar, on Epic and Bungie!
To the top of the porch, and hang on to the ledge,
Now go make your games, but don't call them 'Edge!'"

So up to the housetop the Desert Bus flew,
Like a Florentine noble in Assassin's Creed 2.
Though a bus, it landed so silently that,
I'd have guessed 'twas the prancing of a DDR cat.

And then, in an instant, I heard on the roof,
The whine of a gun that makes Nazis go "poof."
I had no time to laugh, to cry or to flee
For down the chimney he came, like an ODST.

But the man on the hearth was not Jack Black at all!
Nor the young Prince of Persia - Jake Whats-his-face.
To guess his identity was surely no cinch,
For it was Mike Atkinson - Australia's Grinch.

His eyes, how they twinkled as he laughed, "I've been wrong!"
There's been so much to love about games all along!
I've toured Georgia and Africa fighting some zombies,
And it suddenly clicked why you guys have this hobby."

"The motion control's so much fun, it's contagious,
And next year there's Natal and then Gem - it's outrageous!
The Wii's got you boxing the guy with the belly,
But you dodge and you punch and he's down just like jelly!"

"And Dragon Age rocks (I've been playing an elf),
And I loved DJ Hero in spite of myself!
There's so many games that just beg to be played,
Especially the ones that CoD MewTwo delayed."

He talked thru the night 'bout his new gaming scene,
Of Aion and shooters "not balanced for lean."
And then wiggling his fingers in a manner quite clever,
He suddenly vanished, like Duke Nukem Forever.

Once more, the bus rumbled, quite easy to hear,
As he left on their mission to spread gaming cheer.
But from off in the distance, I heard him proclaim,
"Happy winter to all, and to all a good game!"

Happy holidays, from our family to yours!

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